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About Beverley Glazer
Expertise
I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.

Experience
I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.

Organizations
NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association, For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Education/Credentials
BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor, CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.

You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > alcoholism

Addiction to Alcohol - alcoholism

Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/27/2009

Question
QUESTION: My husband is an alcoholic. He also is a very productive person- very good job- not too many see his drinking as anything other than an outlet for his stressful job. Without going into a long story, our children are older now and see him drunk and have been making comments. I have gone to one Al-Anon meeting (after going 3yrs. ago and not continuing)and understand how I need to make me happy and stop trying to hide his drinking from others and counting his glasses of wine but how do I protect our children while letting my husband get to his 'rock bottom' so he has a chance of recovering? I'm afraid to let him hit that because it will effect all of us. I don't work and it scares me he could lose his job. I hate to enable any longer#it's been 16 years!# but I feel I must for 8 more years until the kids are in college at least. Is this crazy thinking? I don't know how else to protect my kids.

ANSWER: Hi Ann,

Your husband is a 'functioning' alcoholic, so unless they see him dysfunctional, others won't understand that there is a problem.

You know you mustn't enable him, but there is always a fear that the entire family will pay the price if you don't. You didn't say how old your kids are, but kids learn at a very young age that something strange is going on. Don't protect your children about his drinking. Talk to them on a level that they will understand and encourage discussion.

The kids are probably angry with his behavior but may not say it. Talk anyway. They're also conflicted why you've been putting up with him, although they probably don't want you to leave. They would benefit from talking to kids in a similar situation. If there are Al-Ateen meetings in your area, encourage them to go. If not, you may be able to get together socially with some Al-Anon women, with kids of similar age. Children of alcoholics keep their secret to themselves, so it's important that they open up.

I'm sure you know about enabling, but because it's so easy to do, here's a refresher:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/changing-enabling-behavior.html

Not every alcoholic has to reach 'rock bottom' to get help. Sometimes, just being repremanded by a boss, or caught in an embarrassing lie can be enough of a wake-up call, but if you keep enabling, his problem will only get worse and he may lose the job anyway.

You're not protecting the kids by hanging on for and additional 8 years. What you're doing is holding on to a dysfunctional life. I am not suggesting that you leave him either. But you must stop saving him from his consequences. The message that you're sending the kids is that you're making excuses, so you must be on his side -- and that's not the truth at all.

Parents are role-models in their children's lives. These kids have mixed feelings about dad, so you must be the powerful one. That's so they can trust you with their feelings, and respect your advice. Stay strong.

This question is an important one and it has been sitting in the general question pool for a few weeks, without anyone picking it up. I must answer all pending questions first, so if you want a quicker response, feel free to direct your question to me.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best

Bev,
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

IMAGE: Beverley Glazer MA. ICADC

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your answer and the way you answered it- directly, with great insight and with caring 'in your voice'. Although, I do try to NOT enable and I try to be a good role-model I need to be reminded of everything you said.
In the time since I wrote this first question and now, I have gone to 9 Al-Anon meetings and they are nice daily reminders and filled with new hopes each time I go. I love being there for the hour I allow myself to disappear from my responsibilities. I even leave my cell phone in the car- which is a big thing for me. # I always want to be available for my kids#
One more question I'd like to ask your opinion about. Yes, I am not going to hide my husbands behavior from anyone anymore, including his children. I am going to, and have, spoken with my kids about their dads' behavior. BUT- with all the holidays coming up and our families are 2hrs away so we do a lot of traveling, how do I deal with their drunk dad in the car all the way home. It's so awful every time. I'm disgusted by it and the kids seem to only try to 'help' daddy and it makes me want to scream. Can I leave him to his siblings and let him find his way home the next day? This is going to cause a big upset if I do. As a side note....he never seems to get hangovers to at least somewhat punish him for his previous actions the night before. And he doesn't remember most of the night.

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA., I

Hi again Ann,

Because the holidays are right around the corner, I wouldn't make changes right now. All the family is aware that your husband will get drunk, but his job keeps his 'respectability'.

Ask the kids how they feel about dad being drunk every Xmas. They're used to seeing him this way, but they may also be embarrassed. Ask them if they prefer that he doesn't go. They will probably want him to be there, so right now you'll be the bad guy if you prevent him from going.

I'm glad that Al-Anon has been helpful and has given you some peace of mind. You might want to ask the members what they do during the holiday season. This is always a stressful time for families of alcoholics.

If the kids try to 'help' daddy, don't get angry. They don't know what else to do.

As you do less enabling, you'll be able to make more demands on the affects his drinking has on the family. But right now, keep the peace.

Your husband may not get hangovers, but he still doesn't feel all that great. He's used to the feeling. Right now, whether he remembers what's gone on or not, he won't make a change, so you're more affected by his behavior than he is.

Do positive things for yourself and the kids and try to spend a minimal amount of negative energy on him.

Once again I hope this information is helpful

Regards,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

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