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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > Is boyfriend an alcoholic?
Expert: Clyde - 10/28/2009
Question
Hello..
I'll try to keep this brief, but I feel it's important to get as many details as possible into this.. I've been with my boyfriend for about 14 months- we moved in together early (perhaps too early in hindsight) and since we've moved in, things have started going downhill. What started as us dating and both drinking together has turned into a harsh reality for me- that my 33 year old boyfriend drinks over 5 drinks a day, every day. When we first started dating I noticed he drank a lot and was probably in denial then- but I chalked it up to us having fun, dating, etc.. Once we moved in together I noticed he had to drink every day. I've stopped drinking altogether because it's become a turn-off and a concern and I think it's probably contributing to the problems we're experiencing in our relationship. I've confronted him about this once or twice since moving in- he was defensive at first and denied he had a problem, but eventually relented a bit and managed to say he maybe had been drinking a little too much lately. He stopped for 2 days and I could see this was hard for him- he seemed anxious and jittery and had trouble sleeping. On day 3 he came home and it was the same routine- he was drunk by 8 PM. He drinks every day, anywhere from 3 to 10 drinks. On the weekends he sometimes starts as early as 11 AM. This past weekend he was drinking brandy 4 hours after waking up- he joked about how he still had a cold and it was medicinal. To give you an idea of what he drinks, in the past week he's drank a liter of brandy, 3-4 bottles of wine and a bottle of Irish Creme.
The problem I'm having is that he doesn't get angry or mean when he's drunk, doesn't miss work, is otherwise fairly responsible- so it's difficult to point out to him how this is a problem. For me it's even difficult to put my finger on exactly why it bothers me, but this is what I've been feeling: his eyes get blood shot and glassy and far away looking, he has trouble following the thread of a conversation, never wants to go out, has a low libido, poor eating habits, and neglects his hygiene sometimes when he's drinking, has a strong alcohol odor from his skin, etc.. All in all, it's a turn-off and concerns me. I fear what it's doing to his body and mind. Our relationship is on thin ice- I need help trying to determine if he can be helped, if he even needs help- or if maybe I'm just generally unhappy and with an incompatible person and using his heavy drinking as an excuse..?
A couple other points: when I confronted him he admitted several years earlier his friends had sort of an intervention for him regarding his drinking- he said he only has a problem with hard alcohol and tries to avoid it now.
2 years ago he had his first and only DUI- he no longer drives drunk and is responsible when it comes to this, but he also hardly leaves the house anyway.
Every member of his family drinks daily.
Any help at all would be so appreciated. I don't know where to go from here- whether to confront him again, give him an ultimatum, etc. Or is there any possibility I'm over reacting?
Thank you again,
Lara
Answer
Lara,
Thank you for the lengthy explanation and for your questions.
It is perhaps hard to put your finger on the place you hurt in all this, because he is too blind to put his own finger there and fix the problem. It is his problem and he is the only one who can fix it.
Alcohol becomes the best friend of the alcoholic and no one and nothing else can come between that love for alcohol and the alcoholic. Period.
That is the crux of your dilemma in this situation. You've told him you do not like the effects of alcohol on him (breath, skin secretion, drunkenness, low libido, generally unresponsive to conversation, etc.) and he does not value the relationship with you above the EFFECTS that alcohol provides for him. See, an alcoholic drinks because he likes the effects. You are not an alcoholic if you do not crave the effects. That is why you could put the drink down and not look back.
He will have to come to the realization that he is drinking for the wrong reasons - any effect is the wrong reason. (Come to think of it, that makes drinking sort of foolish doesn't it.) There are probably a myriad of reason why he drinks and only he can find those reasons out for himself. If he wants to do so. That is usually where the alcoholic stops in their decision making to quit. They do not want to find out what they are running from.
You say he comes from a long line of drinkers. Chances are that none of those folks know why they drink either but it is a good bet that it is a family illness that he is locked into.
You are not over reacting. This is unacceptable behavior for anyone to endure. You have every right to have a relationship with someone who values you to the degree that they will sacrifice for you. A non-alcoholic who just likes the taste or social aspects would be quick to relinquish the hooch in favor of a personal relationship. You deserve better.
My suggestion is to think long and hard about what Lara wants from life. Be in prayer and do some serious soul-searching. Take a long walk with God and ask for guidance as to where and what He wants for you. I guarantee you that His will for you will not to be caught up in an alcoholic lie that someone else is perpetrating on themselves.
About all you can do in this case is let him know that you have talked with a recovering alcoholic with 15 + wonderful sober years and he says that someone locked in alcoholism needs help and that help can not be obtained from one's self. It must come from another source and Alcoholics Anonymous is the place to begin to learn how not to drink one day at a time. From that beginning all else will flow for a happy sober life.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Grace and Peace,
Clyde
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