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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > Is boyfriend an alcoholic?
Expert: Druideck - 10/28/2009
Question
Hello..
I'll try to keep this brief, but I feel it's important to get as many details as possible into this.. I've been with my boyfriend for about 14 months- we moved in together early (perhaps too early in hindsight) and since we've moved in, things have started going downhill. What started as us dating and both drinking together has turned into a harsh reality for me- that my 33 year old boyfriend drinks over 5 drinks a day, every day. When we first started dating I noticed he drank a lot and was probably in denial then- but I chalked it up to us having fun, dating, etc.. Once we moved in together I noticed he had to drink every day. I've stopped drinking altogether because it's become a turn-off and a concern and I think it's probably contributing to the problems we're experiencing in our relationship. I've confronted him about this once or twice since moving in- he was defensive at first and denied he had a problem, but eventually relented a bit and managed to say he maybe had been drinking a little too much lately. He stopped for 2 days and I could see this was hard for him- he seemed anxious and jittery and had trouble sleeping. On day 3 he came home and it was the same routine- he was drunk by 8 PM. He drinks every day, anywhere from 3 to 10 drinks. On the weekends he sometimes starts as early as 11 AM. This past weekend he was drinking brandy 4 hours after waking up- he joked about how he still had a cold and it was medicinal. To give you an idea of what he drinks, in the past week he's drank a liter of brandy, 3-4 bottles of wine and a bottle of Irish Creme.
The problem I'm having is that he doesn't get angry or mean when he's drunk, doesn't miss work, is otherwise fairly responsible- so it's difficult to point out to him how this is a problem. For me it's even difficult to put my finger on exactly why it bothers me, but this is what I've been feeling: his eyes get blood shot and glassy and far away looking, he has trouble following the thread of a conversation, never wants to go out, has a low libido, poor eating habits, and neglects his hygiene sometimes when he's drinking, has a strong alcohol odor from his skin, etc.. All in all, it's a turn-off and concerns me. I fear what it's doing to his body and mind. Our relationship is on thin ice- I need help trying to determine if he can be helped, if he even needs help- or if maybe I'm just generally unhappy and with an incompatible person and using his heavy drinking as an excuse..?
A couple other points: when I confronted him he admitted several years earlier his friends had sort of an intervention for him regarding his drinking- he said he only has a problem with hard alcohol and tries to avoid it now.
2 years ago he had his first and only DUI- he no longer drives drunk and is responsible when it comes to this, but he also hardly leaves the house anyway.
Every member of his family drinks daily.
Any help at all would be so appreciated. I don't know where to go from here- whether to confront him again, give him an ultimatum, etc. Or is there any possibility I'm over reacting?
Thank you again,
Lara
Answer
Lara,
it is common to have some doubts
when living with a problem drinker.
The denial of the person starts
to affect those around him.
You start to second guess the obvious.
He is drinking far too much and too
often to be considered an average
or recreational drinker.
The key factor in this is his
apparent inability to stop drinking
for any length of time.
This is a sign that he is losing
control of when he drinks.
This is also a sign of alcoholism.
Once the drinking has become addictive
as is his daily drinking he will not
be able to stop for long without help
from Alcoholics Anonymous.
The facts that he has had a DUI
and a past intervention means
drinking is a problem he has failed
to address. An intervention only happens
when people are very concerned about
someones drinking behaviour.
I imagine there could be other
problems about his drinking that
he may be hiding from you.
He may be able to cover up the
past by running from it.
Have you talked to anyone else
that knew him long ago?
Has he had past problems with
other relationships due to drinking?
I can not see any good coming out
of his refusal to get help.
You must realize that ultimatims
and threats will not work with his
drinking. Being an unrecovered alcoholic
means he will always drink even
if he promises not to.
He is no longer in control and
will power is not an issue except
in seeking counselling, rehab, and
AA meetings for his problem.
You can complain or make threats but
this is a waste of time for you.
This is an illness and you cannot
force him well.
If the intervention was done in the past
then he is aware of his drinking.
If he does not choose to get help
then you will have a very rocky
relationship with little chance of
success. How can a sick person handle
the responsibilities of a sane, productive
and sometimes stressful life? He cannot
without drinking.
Confrontations only help when
done in a contolled manner as in
an intervention with a trained counsellor.
Your best plan would be to accept him
as is or leave. You can not change him.
This is something only he can do with help
from a group process such as AA.
You must detach from thinking that
you can change him. This is very
unrealistic and has never happened
in any alcoholic situations I have seen
in over 20 years of experience.
If you need help get counselling or
go to Al-Anon.
Do not let your life revolve around his
problems. He can only go downhill without
sobriety at this point, and he will be
more than willing to have you go with him.
-I suggest you take care of yourself.
-Let go of trying to coerce or manipulate
a change in him.
-Accept that he has an addictive illness or
dependency which only he can change.
-Either accept what he is or make plans
to separate yourself from this kind
of involvement if it is too much for you.
I would suggest AA meetings to him and leave
it at that. Hopefully he will seek
help before his health gives out.
Good luck, take care!
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