Expert: Druideck - 10/15/2009

Question
I recently moved in with my boyfriend of just over a year.  When we met, we both drank a few times a week and thought it was fun to get drunk together.  However, I stopped drinking as much and since he got his DUI in January, I only have a glass of wine with dinner.  His drinking has slowed down since the DUI, but there are still times when he gets so drunk he can't even stand up.  (he has a breathalyzer in his car and was unable to drive to work today because his blood alcohol level was still too high this morning.) I moved in with him because I was under the impression that he wasn't going to drink anymore.  Stupid me.  Now he denies he ever told me that, says that he can stop drinking hard alcohol and just switch to beer and wine and be fine.  I beg him, threaten to leave, everything, and he still won't agree to give up drinking even for a few weeks.  He is in court-ordered alcohol therapy classes and says that he admits that he has a problem because he can't stop once he starts, but refuses to give up drinking.  How do I deal with this?  He is in therapy but isn't taking it seriously. He blames the DUI on me.  Please help me.  I'm emotionally drained and have no idea how to deal with this.

Answer
Trish,

It sounds very much like your
boyfriend is addicted to alcohol
or at least he is not ready to give
it up at this point.

The simple answer is that you don't
have to deal with it. It is his
problem and if he seeks help
or decides to seek sobriety
the decision will lie with him
alone.

He may not make this decision until
he has faced many more problems as
a result of his drinking.

Alcoholism is more powerful than
any threat you can make including
leaving him. That is how powerful
this chemical is to an alcoholic.

I suggest you take a step back and
ask yourself why you think you
need to solve this?
He has heard your side of things,
he has attended the therapy classes
and he has experienced problems due
to his drinking.
He also seems aware that he has trouble
stopping once he starts drinking.

He is still thinking he can drink
but consequences will show him otherwise.
All you have to do is stop giving him
another reason to drink. Everytime
you argue he will use that as another
excuse to go drinking.
Take away all the excuses and he will only
have himself to blame.

Only he can decide to get help and he will
need help if he cannot stop for long
at this point. He can see an alcohol counsellor,
or start attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings
on his own. He must make the choice and the
effort as this is out of your hands.

All you need to do is care for yourself and
let go of trying to control something
that no one person can control.
Alcoholism is an illness that must be
dealt with by the individual.
If you don't believe me just try to control his
drinking and you will soon see it's power.

Let go now and save yourself the headaches.
Whether you stay or go you have to let go so
you will not drag yourself into his problem.
Just let him be as much as you can, you
can not fight his illness, no one can but him.
I have 24 years of experience and I have seen this
same scenario play out again and again.
I hate to see people hurt by holding on
when all they have to do is let go.

Take care, focus on yourself.