Expert: Clyde - 10/6/2009

Question
I have recently started dating an alcoholic.  He is in recovery but unfortunately the "alcoholic" stigma will always be attached.  He is very determined not to relapse and is attending AA meetings on a regular basis.  As a casual drinker, by casual I mean I will have a drink or 2 while at family gatherings, social functions, etc.  I do not drink otherwise.  I am concerned about the upcoming holidays and how I should proceed in supporting my boyfriend.  Does it bother an alcoholic when someone they are with has a drink occasionally?  I can do without the drink(s) but it is nice to have one, or two, socially.  I am willing to support my boyfriend 100% and am not prepared to send him into a craving or worse, a relapse, just to satisfy myself.  Does this make any sense?  Thank you for your anticipated answer.

Answer
Concerned,
   Thank you for your questions and, yes, they make perfect sense.  You do not say how long your boyfriend has been in recovery but I am assuming that it is not for a great amount of time.  Forgive me if I am wrong on this.

   Here is the important thing in answer to your question - Have an honest and open discussion about the matter of your having some drinks occasionally.  There needs to be negotiation on the issue.  No, you do not have the power to cause an alcoholic to drink - they do so on their own willpower and they may try to blame you but it is just a rationalization for their behavior.  But by having a discussion up front you can be supportive of his program.

   For example, if he is not comfortable with the outing where drinking may occur, it is his responsibility to protect himself - perhaps by taking a separate vehicle so he can leave if necessary.  This is not to be construed as rude to you but your signal that he is willing to go to any length to stay sober.  We do not know the triggers each of us may experience or the pressures that may be placed upon us by situations or people.  You will want to be receptive to listening to him in these cases.

   Another consideration is this - I do not appreciate the smell of alcohol on anyone's breath, especially stale wine odors.  You will need to be aware of this repulsion possibility on the part of the boyfriend and do what you can to minimize it.  Many alcoholics who sober up find alcoholic smells quite offensive and repulsive.

    So, have a talk and decide to negotiate the territory.  You may need to revisit this from time to time because growth in the program may have given him some new concerns.  Keep the door of communication open and you should have no major problems.

    A story I can relate to you - I remarried and my bride understood (or so she said at the time) that I was quite liberated from alcohol.  She told me that she did not need to drink nor did she care to do so.  Four years later, as we experienced difficulties in the marriage, she shared her resentment that she could not have wine in the house and did not feel welcome to have anyone over for dinner to serve wine.  The step-children were also anxious to experiment with alcohol as they grew older.  Had we had an open communication, this could have been discussed and possibly renegotiated the alcohol question.  But resentment leads to bitterness and anger and hostility.  She left me soon after this resentment surfaced.

   In closing - keep talking and listening.

   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde