Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/9/2009

Question
my boyfriend of just under a year broke up with me two days ago. i am devastated. he is in the program and sober for a year and a half. obviously he started dating before the recommended one year point. i didn't understand the importance of that recommendation until now... i feel like i have woken up out of an unreal place. he made a lot of promises to me and then told me that none of them were how he feels now. only a month went by between the promises and his changing his mind. i feel used. like he was using me and our relationship as a drug instead of alcohol... he had a recent episode of dissociation where he didn't remember an entire ten minute conversation with me. but i feel confident he is not using. i think there is something wrong with his mind... i told him i didn't know if i could be friends with him. he is not demanding i be friends with him. but i feel confused. if he is still in the disease yet not using (i mean he is still emotionally in the same place as when he was using) and not aware of his own emotions it is not his fault. am i blaming him for something he has no control over? in other words, if i cut him out of my life, was i using him just as much as he was using me? like, since you cannot be my boyfriend because of your sickness i don't want you in my life. he seems distraught by having to break up. he says he is not ready for a relationship. but he is the one who brought up the future and having children and living together and getting married. i could have kept it at a casual level if not for the false expectations started. anyway, i don't want to say to him in essence you can't be my boyfriend so you don't mean anything to me get out of my life. but i don't fully understand the situation and i can't fully believe him. i suspect any effort to keep me in his life is selfish. to make himself feel better. that he didn't really hurt me or manipulate me and see, what a good guy he still wants to be my friend. it seems all shady and crazy. and all somehow related to his image of himself. where i care for him and think how strange he won't be in my life. will i be missing out from a different but possibly rich relationship? can i do something for him and just be a friend? i suspect he is incapable of feeling this way. when i had emotional needs it was like an affront to him. i keep thinking that booze and drugs don't ask for anything in return and a real person does. and this irritated him. i suspect he would pat himself on his back about his recovery and how he can be a friend to me. is this an unreasonable fear just from feeling betrayed?

Answer
Hi flowerwoman,

Yes, you're right, there's a reason that in the AA program, they recommend having no new relationships for a year. It's hard enough being sober, without the stresses of a relationship, and when an alcoholic/addict is under emotional stress, there is a tendencey not to stay sober. Their entire focus should be on their sobriety.

But then they should also have a sponsor and work the 12 steps. If you're not familiar with them, this is what they are:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/12-step-program-of-aa.html

Working the steps, focusses on the emotional side of addiction which provides them with 'sober thinking'. This is extremely important. Also, as their lives change with sobriety, the steps have to be worked again and again.

That said, it sounds like your boyfriend is conflicted about the relationship and has given you many mixed messages. This is completely frustrating. Although at the time, your boyfriend may have wanted to get married and have kids, perhaps now he finds it would be too stressful. A newly recovering alcoholic/addict has a lot of difficulty with emotional stress.

All the feelings that you have are justified, because this breakup came as a shock and you are devastated by it.

It would be convenient for him to keep you as a 'friend', however it's my suggestion that you should move on. If, somewhere down the road, he's managed his sobriety and you've created a life without him, you can be friends. -- but right now, your emotions are much too raw.

This question has been sitting in the general question pool for awhile. I must reply to all pending questions first, so for a quicker response, please feel free to have your question directed to me.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts


Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com