Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 10/8/2009

Question
My husband is an alcoholic. I have considered leaving him several times in the past but his remorse and apologies always get me to stay. Now we are thinking about having children. He is not as bad as some other alcoholics - he doesn't let his drinking interfere with work, for instance. This makes it more difficult in a way, because he doesn't view his drinking as excessive and believes I am just being too hard on him. I love him very much and it hurts to even think about leaving, but I hate the idea of being trapped in this endless cycle. Also I can't help but worry that his drinking will get worse over time. I am 34 years old and running short on child bearing years, so I need to decide now if I am going to have children with him or leave and try to find someone else. How do I make this decision? I am constantly going back and forth on it.

Answer
Hello Pamela,
Your situation is indeed difficult and painful. Here are some ideas to perhaps help you with your decision. I wish I could be more hopeful, but think that being honest and direct is best for you. If your husband is an alcoholic, the general epectation is that his drinking, unchecked, will worsen as he gets older and provide a potentially abusive environment for you and any children there may be. Work is usually the last place an alcoholic allows his drinking to affect, because if his work is unaffected, he can say to himself and you that he is a good provider and just drinks to relax or as a reward for working. The alcoholic overlooks that his drinking is causing tension in his relationship with you. Unfortunately, the alcoholic almost never agrees to abstain, (which is the only option because by definition, he cannot control his drinking) and seek treatment unless he experiences pain and consequences. It is important to be direct with your husband about his alcoholism and its effects on you and your plans to have a family. Always try when speaking to your husband, to do so when he is sober and to preface all discussions with a caring statement: for example, "I love you too much to watch you doing..." I suggest that you consider taking a clear stand with this man, telling him that your marriage may be in jeopardy unless he gets sober and stays sober through treatment and AA, that you are seriously questioning the wisdom of having children with a man who is alcoholic.

This situation is one that is difficult to handle on your own. I realize that it is emotionally difficult to give a firm ultimatum that the marriage could be over unless he stops drinking for good and goes to AA, and suggest you think about getting help and support from Al-Anon, the 12 Step program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Let your husband know you are attending Al-Anon, unless it is too dangerous from an emotional, or physically abusive, standpoint. Check out my website for further help and information. Good luck to you.

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com