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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > transferrence of addiction
Expert: Clyde - 10/24/2009
Question
QUESTION: I've been married to my husband for 9 years and have been with him for a total of 20 years. I found out the extent of his alcoholism after we were married, he went through rehab and relapsed a few times but I helped him get back into the program each time. This is the only flaw in our beautiful relationship. He was lax in working the program as of late so I was thinking he might relapse again. We just celebrated my birthday and anniversary complete with love letters professing his undying love, both looking forward to a bright future. I couldn't get in touch with him the following evening and he walked in saying an an old girlfriend from the 80's got in touch with him and he thought he still had feelings for her and loved her. He told me they had a terrible break-up, she got him hooked on cocaine, he dropped out of college & lost his job. She threw him out saying all kinds of vile things to break his heart. His family is mortified that she has reappeared in his life. I'm completely devastated. She even called me and spewed all kinds of hatred over the phone so I hung up. My husband is acting like a completely different person---no longer the loving, caring man I married. He's walking in a fog---his own family said that he is unrecognizable. He is displaying the same symptons as during his drinking---but I know he isn't using because he took a blood test. One minute he's bringing me flowers, saying he loves me & doesn't mean to hurt me, saying I've been his angel but the next minute he doesn't bother coming home at night, leaving me alone in the house---that's just not him. I heard of a thing called 'transferrence of addiction' that occurs when an addict stops working the program. It's a manifestation of addiction---his mind is intent on feeding a compulsion to the point of destruction. Namely, the sudden obsession with this woman. He says he is confused and is currently going to a psychologist and I will be making an appointment with her too. I just don't understand this insanity. My heart is breaking. Did you ever hear of anything like this? He's the only man I've ever loved and I've devoted my life to him. I want to help him but I don't know what to do.
ANSWER: Linda,
Thank you for the message and questions and for explaining something of the situation.
It is difficult to ascertain the exact reason for this bazaar behavior on his part but I feel that there is truth in the fact that, as active alcoholics, we lose touch with the "real" self. As we sober up and begin to face life as life and do not run from it we begin to really know who and what we are. That is a really strange phenomenon to watch, much less understand, for those who love us. If is very confusing and throws relationships into real chaos.
I would suspect that he is on the right track with this - seeing a therapist. He needs to have someone help him understand what this woman is up to. No telling what she has done in the intervening years and no telling the reasons for her to surface and cause such havoc. Perhaps he did not fully grieve the loss back then. (It is almost certain, as he was already practicing addictively, and he was not able to really grieve it properly.) Grief comes back sometimes and it can sometimes really throw us for a loop. He will need the help of a good therapist to help him work through this.
No on knows where he will come out once he does this - he may find that he has misplaced his feelings for the real woman he loves on this old flame. Then, again, he might come out of it realizing that he loves you like he has always said he did. This is not your issue and I do not think it is ultimately his either - it is more the other woman's issue. She has stirred the emotions and caught his heart again.
No one can say but I hope this may have helped ease your worry some. It is a very good thing that he is working through it with someone and I think it can only help that you are willing to see this therapist too. If he will be honest about all this with that person he has a chance to stay sober and move on.
There are all sorts of possibilities within himself and his own inventory of his past. If he has worked a good fourth and fifth step then he should be able to find out the real person he is and make a decision that is true to himself. Sadly, we do not know where he will land.
write again if I may be of any further help.
Grace and Peace,
Clyde
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Clyde, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Do you think it would be a good idea to give my husband a copy of my question and your reply? I want to impress upon him that I'm coming from a place of love to help him. Thanks again for all your valuable help.
Peace be with you,
Linda
Answer
Linda,
Thank you for the follow up to your earlier question. Yes, it could be useful but keep in mind you do not know his real feelings about all this and it could backfire.
I do think that there is some good solid AA in my response and, although it might anger him initially, he might just begin to see things in a different light.
Good luck if you choose to do this,
Grace and Peace,
Clyde
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