Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/13/2009

Question
Hello,
My sons father is an alcoholic. My son is 5 years old now and I have raised him pretty much on my own because his Dad was mostly out of his life. My son is a happy boy who loves his mother and his father. Recently, I took back his father. I thought I would give it one last try. Things were going well, until one day he did not return from work at all. No phone call, no explanation, until he emailed me saying he just couldnt live a lie anymore, that he didnt love me.

Now what you must understand is that when he left , he went to drink. That is his pattern.  It had been a long time since I had been down this road with him, and I still hate it just as much.

He always seems to act so selfishly and have no remorse. He says he wants to see his son still, but I am very reluctant. I explained it to my son, and he knows his dad is an alcoholic. He knows its not his fault and all of that. Before his dad returned this time, I was doing a great job raising him on my own.

So my question is this... do I let him in again? Do I let him see his son, or do I cut him off and protect my son from turning into his father down the road?  How can I see the future when all I have is the bad past to go on?

I am so confused. I know he loves his dad and his dad 'loves' him, but he just cant keep hurting him like this. By leaving that day and not coming home he basically abandoned his own son. And now he wants him back. But its just not that easy... I want whats best for my son. Please help me decide.

I hope I explained it well enough... the story is much longer, as you probably already know. And yes there has been abuse in the past. His father hurt me in the past both physically and emotionally. That has stopped. I feel he has calmed down, but he still has these habits of runnig away when he cant handle life...

Thank you
Kris

Answer
Hi Kris,

You have to understand that your son's father is an active alcoholic and this is an unhealthy relationship for both of you.

Your son has been primarily raised by you and he's been doing well without this man in his life, so to bring him back in would confuse him. Children need stability and this man is not stable.

Your son may love his dad, but he will also become very hurt, frustrated and angry with his behavior. There is no reason to put him through this.

It sounds like you're probably in a codepenent relationship as well.

Here's more information: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html

It's very hard for a codependent person to get out of a relationship -- even a bad one, but it's possible.

If you have been hurt in the past, there's no guarantee he won't do it again. Demand that if he wants to have contact with his son,  he must get help -- go to AA, whatever, and unless he cleans up his act. You and your son should not have to deal with his irratic behavior.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com