Expert: Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist - 11/10/2009

Question
Hi,

I am 34 years old and feel at one of the lowest points in my life. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years.   He is an alcoholic and is currently in rehab battling his addiction. He is the chronic type and when he is under the influence it completely changes him into someone I don't know. He has cheated on me been verbally very threatening and abusive and smashed my car windscreen. These are just a couple of incidents but there have been many.
I am a naturally caring person and I suppose I always wanted to be the one to get him better. I thought by offering him love and stability we could come out the other side happy and stronger with him being sober. It is his second time in treatment but the first time whilst he has been with me.

I love him so much as when he is sober we really get on and I would love to grow old with him. But yesterday he dropped the bombshell that he has been strongly advised to cut contact with me as he needs to concentrate on himself and his recovery and nothing else. I know that his recovery is the most important thing but I feel devastated. I have been the rock by his side and stood by him through thick and thin and now I'm just being discarded. They have called me a fixer and an enabled and I can't believe I'm being critisized when all I've ever done is love and care for him. I feel angry and hurt that I've wasted 3 years of my life.  And that I'm being made out to be the bad one.

I just feel lost and need some advice as to what to do next? Do I tell him how I feel? Or step back, cut the contact and try to move on. I'm heart broken.

Katherine  

Answer
Dear Katherine,

I am familiar with the belief that loved one of alcoholic partners are called enablers. This is based on the unproven assumptions that addiction is all in the mind. Most drug counsellor are not aware that drug addiction is in fact a physiological disorder, that needs to be treated before considering such psychological factors as whether partners of alcoholics are in fact  "enablers". This implies the ridiculous idea that somehow a partner is responsible for  addiction in the other person. It is the alcoholic who is sick, not you!!

It is true that an alcoholic may have problems committing themselves to a permanent relationship while still suffering from an addiction. He needs to deal with his addiction first before being able to choose a partner for life.

If you want to help him, it is best to get an understanding why some people become addicted and others are not, and how we can treat addiction by a more scientific ways. Please read the following articles:
  
Why Alcoholics Drink? at
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/WAD.html

Alcoholism (Addiction) is a Treatable Disease at:
http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/alcoholism_treatable.pdf

Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/drug_addictions_nutritional_disorder.htm...

Depression is a Nutritional Disorder at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/depression_disorder.html
Depression: a Disease of Energy Production at:
http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/depression_energy3.pdf

and ask for a referral to a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychologist, if self-help therapy fails.

_______________________________________________
Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist
Hon. Editor of
The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.
www.hypoglycemia.asn.au
Author of "Getting off the Hook"
Freely available at Google Book Search
Skype: jurplesman