Expert: Amarnath.B - 11/20/2009

Question
Hello,

My name is Katrina and I am 21 years old.  I have a brother who is 26 and has been suffering alcoholism for about 5 years now.  It mostly began when his father died.  I have tried everything to help him, and I thought he hit his bottom after he rolled his car 4 times drunk, breaking his leg and 6 of his ribs.  He was required to go to jail for a few days and to do a treatment program as well as AA.  I talked to him about his experience and he said it was good except AA because it was "stupid".

My brother is generally a very kind and outgoing person, at least he was before his disease.  Shortly after he was "enlightened," he began drinking again and continues to do so from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.

My mother is also an alcoholic, but on a lesser extent.  She is an enabler for my brother.  I have been in a sense "taking care" of my brother since his alcoholism began.  I am the closest person to him in the world, and I still haven't been able to help him.  I have tried being angry, upset, and helpful and nothing has worked.  He has attempted suicide once before and threatens it all the time.  He has told me directly, "I just want to kill myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up."  This concerns me because his father died the same way by an overdose on oxy-contin and his grandmother overdosed on an entire bottle of sleeping pills two years ago.  I am very concerned for his life.

On another note, I am having him and my mother over for Thanksgiving next week.  I don't know what to do.  Should I tell him there is no drinking allowed at all?  Should I put him on a limit?  I do not want him to be drunk when he is here.  I just don't know what to do.  I am worried that if I tell him he can't drink here then he will not come at all.

Please help.

Answer
Hello Katrina,

Thank you for your question.  I understand your predicament and I feel sorry for you.  

The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction which your brother is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person.  In an alcoholic relationship, the passive partner often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns.  

Your brother I presume also suffers from depression and that is why he has suicidal ideations. There is also a history of suicides in his family.  This is rather serious & the problem should be addressed immediately.  I suggest you take him to a mental health specialist.  Both the issues of depression and alcoholism should be addressed separately.  Your mother doesn’t seem to be of much help.  In fact, being an enabler and an alcoholic herself I do not see any recovery for your brother.  As for AA, I think your brother is not ready.  Long term rehabilitation is the only answer for your brother, say at least 6 months.  Your inviting him for Thanksgiving will only aggravate the problem and I also think you are heading towards being an enabler yourself.  Katrina, please understand that by keeping him away will only do him good.  This is called tough love.  Help him and make him understand how much your life is being affected by his addiction.  You are young and have a whole life ahead of you.  You have become a codependent considering the fact that your family has a history of addiction and that makes it more complex.  I suggest you start attending Al-Anon meetings (A self help group of family and friends of alcoholics, also a part of AA).  Here in these meetings you will meet people who have the same problems like yours and you will learn how to cope with it like they do.

Katrina, it is time that you put your foot down and tell your brother to go into recovery.  In fact you’ve also become an enabler.  Show him love, but tell him recovery comes first.  I hope you make the right decision.  Calling him and your mother over to Thanksgiving will only worsen the problem.  And I also hope your brother gets into recovery sooner as his problem is not just alcoholism but also psychological.

I wish you well, Katrina.  Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

God bless you and your family & Happy Thanksgiving.


Amarnath