Expert: Druideck - 11/8/2009

Question
I'm sure that my husband is an alcoholic.  He doesn't get drunk but he drinks everyday a six pack or better.  We've been together 8 years and it's only been the last year or two that this has gotten worse.  What can I do to get him the help he needs?  This is ruining our marriage and we have two small children a 4 year old daughter and a 4 month old son.  I love him but I don't drink and I can't keep fighting with him about this.  He told me he knows it's bad but he does it because of the stress at work.  He will have so many drinks that he'll go and pass out and our 4 yr old daughter will still be awake.  I can't raise our children with him like this and his drinking is putting us into debt.  I need to know what I can do to get him to stop drinking.  He thinks that I don't notice him hiding the fact that he has more booze.  I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him for not putting his family his children before himself.  I can't take this selfish behavior anymore.  If he won't do it for himself he should do it for them because he's hurting all of us.  Not to mention when he goes a day without drinking he's grumpy and gets angry at me for stupid things.  I'm on mat leave right now and leaving him would be so hard because I don't have that income right now.  How can he do this to our family?

Answer
Ashley,

I know how frustrating this is for you,
I have been there personally.

The first thing to do is to gain some
understanding of what you are dealing
with.

Your husband likely started out drinking
like most people do. They like the
feeling and the freedom from inhibitions
it brings.

Over the years things change,
gradually he became dependent
on alcohol to feel good and
then finally just to feel normal
and deal with daily living problems.

At some point he became an alcoholic.
This means he is addicted to alcohol.
He also has developed a defense mechanism
called denial. This means the
illness he has is trying to protect itself.

Since addiction means the loss of control
and will power a person has to get treatment
to stop. They almost never stop on their
own even when they want to.

This is why they always choose drinking
over the love their family offers.
They have lost the power of choice.

You have probably witnessed this first hand.
How many times have you asked, threatened or
made deals or agreements in regard to his drinking?
Each time he has failed to meet these commitments
because he cannot meet them.
So you see how futile your demands are?
Yes, it is selfish and it is selfish not
to get help for this illness.

If confronted alcoholics get angry because
you want to take away the thing they need
so much. Some will defend it to death.

Recovery is only possible once he has
had enough of the bad consequences
of his drinking.
This may mean loosing his job and his family.

If you do not hold to your threats to leave
or whatever he will not take you seriously.
The only chance for him is to wake up
from his denial and see he needs help.
Often only extreme circumstances can bring this
about.

Families sometimes arrange intervention with
supporting friends and family.
This must be supervised by an experienced
alcohol counsellor.
This gives the alcoholic a choice, seek help
or go it alone. It can be a harsh ending
but could be a new beginning as well.

You cannot control an illness like alcoholism.
If you try you will become sick yourself.
There comes a time to let go no matter
how you think things should be.
The reality is that he has to get help or die
from this terrible sickness.

Many people have stress but do not drink
to cope. There are better and healthier
ways for him to handle his stress.

If he will not listen to you,
then talk to a counsellor about
interventions.

I wish you luck, take care.