Expert: Druideck - 11/12/2009

Question
I am writting in regards to being a concerned sister who is living far from a serious problem in my family.  My sister has gotten into a situation that frightens me, she has 2 smal children 2 and 4, works with the family business and is managing an alcohlic husband(common law/father of the children).  He is a good father to his children, responsible enough and needed by my sister at this time in their journey as a couple.  What worries me most is he smells of alcohol often and it became obvious to me on the last visit the difference between not drunk and drunk.  He is becoming verbally very aggressive towards my sister at times, the last out burst infront of the whole family my last night.  I have dicussed my concerns with my sister, she is a strong and wise women.  I recommended my father, who lives very close, reach out to get outside help and advice.  In my situation is there anything I can do from a distance to help?  I'm frightened for the health of my sister...

Answer
Merrie-Beth,

I can see how frutrating it is to sense
a problem and not be able to do much
about it.
Relationships are more or less the
responsibility of the couple involved
unless it becomes a danger to
one or the other or the children.
At extemes such as physical violence
the police should be notified.

If talking to her husband is not
having any effect then your
sister has to decide what the consequences
will be if he does not change or seek counselling.
This might be a separation or it might
be more. If he continues to drink
he may have to get help for that himself.

The bottom line is we cannot change others,
at least not for long. They will fall back
to their usual self if the desire to change
is not their own.

Do you think he or she could change you?,
probably not. If that were really possible
we would be molding everyone to our liking.

People have to be accepted as they are
and encouraged to change but not
demanded. Even the courts have
had little success changing anyone
even by law.

If your sister honestly expresses herself
to this man and he makes no effort
to get help for his anger and drinking
then she can only protect herself and
her children by whatever method she can.
This may mean getting the family together
for a counsellor supervised intervention to see if he will
get alcohol treatment.
It might mean setting some consequences for
his behaviour like separation until
he gets help.

Often when people have problems their
well-being has to come first.
This might mean the loss of a relationship
or a business too.

If he continues the verbal abuse
I advise your sister to draw a line
before he destroys what they could
possibly have together.

You and your father's role is to provide
support to your sister but try
not to get overly involved, this
is the man she decided to live with
and that is still her choice.
Refuse to make excuses for him
as there is no excuse for what he is doing.
Talk to your local alcohol or mental
health services about interventions
and see if it fits this situation.
You can also get information by searching
online.
You may at some point have to give
up on changing him and focus on
what you all can do for yourselves.
Change comes from inside when a person
is ready and not before. They are both
adults and can decide what to do
with a little support from others.
Let your sister know you are there
if she needs to talk things through,
that is the best help ever.

Take care!