Expert: Clyde - 11/17/2009

Question
Hello Clyde,

I have been married to my alcoholic wife for over 29 years now.  Through out the last 15 years I have dealt with her cheating, losing her job and etc. Every time she say’s she is going to stop drinking she'll stop for about 2 weeks and then she will be right back at it again. For some reason she feels she can stop on her own without going for treatment.  Our grown children and I have suffered so much through these years and I am just tired of it. I call myself putting my faith to works hoping she would change but it doesn't seem like she is. She spends most of her time in bed. I can't have a decent conversation with her or else she gets upset. But let her friend call or come over and she is the nicest person in the world.. I don't know what to do. I am so ready to end this marriage because I am so unhappy of how I keep being treated. She is so selfish. She doesn't want to spend anytime with the children or myself. Please help me to understand what is going on.  

Answer
Jack,
    Thank you for your questions.  I can empathize with you as I have been on the other end of the situation - I have been where she is.  But now after so many good sober years I can see what I could not see then.

    You do not say but I am wondering if Alcoholics Anonymous has ever enter the picture for your wife and whether you have ever considered Alanon, the group for family of alcoholics.  If not, it would be good to seriously consider these options. If she won't pursue AA then you pursue Alanon.

    These programs will give you information on the disease and help in knowing more about the underlying sickness that leads to alcoholism.

    I might suggest that you obtain a copy of the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and read it to become more familiar with what she is up against.  It might help you in becoming more compassionate for her and ease you frustration.  She is a good person but she is a sick person who needs to get better.  Her behaviors are the problem not her as a person.  But she does not understand any of this.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde