Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/12/2009

Question
I reunited with my high school sweetheart almost two years ago after being apart for 11 years...Soon after reuniting I realized he was dealing with multiple addictions. Severe alcoholism(been admitted into hospital before bc of alcohol related complications, his body was shutting down), gambling (owes over 100K), and nicotine(snuff 24/7 even sleeps with it). After months of documentation the family finally agreed to do an intervention back in January of this year...He said no however two months later he admitted himself into rehab.  He lost his job after rehab and decided to move home...Warning signs began immediately.  His family remains in denial.  I now know he never stopped gambling.  He was off track betting within a week and a half of getting out of rehab.  He has recently started a job that allows him to travel 75% of the time..He makes great money and his job allows him to disappear for days even weeks at a time.  He has already lost over 30 pounds within the last six weeks (6'5'' weighs 150)..I left him about a month ago after questioning his relapse.. Of course he denied...Between his isolation and his job I never know where he is or what he is doing..He has reached out for help only to me, but only says he is struggling...He calls when he wants to and answers when he wants to.  Is there any hope or is he battling too many addictions????  What is my role??? Despite all of this I love this man...Please help...

Answer
Hi TR,

As you know your boyfriend has multiple addictions and this is what we offten call having an addictive personality. Here's more information on this: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/addictive-personality.html

Many people who stop one addiction, transfer the behavior to another.

Alcoholic/addicts can be very manipulative, so don't give in to him. He says that he's struggling, and I'm sure he is, but this is also so you'll feel sorry for him and keep you around. This guy's behavior is far too problematic and he's not ready for a serious relationship right now.

Tell him that you care for him, but you can't go on with his instability. Demand that he gets help with all of his problems. Unfortunately you can't help him -- but he know how to get help if he wants to. He's the only one who can help himself, but if he doesn't, you have to move on.

Not easy I know, but there's no option.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com