Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/22/2009

Question
We have 4 beautiful little girls (11, 9, 7, 3), and my wife has been struggling with alcoholism for several years.  We thought that we hit "rock bottom" in Feb '08 when she was in a car accident (on a Saturday afternoon) with all 4 girls and she had a bac of 0.33.  Thankfully, no one was hurt in the accident, and I was granted full custody of children while she was in jail.  She entered rehab (2nd time) and stayed for 120 days.  Shen then lived in a half-way house until Feb 09 when she came home - a full year of sobriety!!!!

Unfortunately, she has started to drink again.  After everything that we've been through, it seems like we really haven't hit "rock-bottom".  It took me a few weeks to figure it out - every time I commented that she appeared "off", the blowback was severe.  I just happened to stumble acorss the bottle of vodka the other day.  I have told her this is her final chance.  For her to remain in the house, she must remain sober - when she drinks, she drives the car.  She told me that she's "got it" and it won't happen again.  Unfortunately, I've seen this before.  Her triggers are "boredom", "a desire to be normal and have a drink once in a while", and " i can handle a drink every few days - it's not like I'm drinking every day", etc.  Her family has been supportive, but they struggle with alcohol adddiction also.  

Sorry for all the background but here's my question - would you agree that we are most likely heading for another disaster given the magnitude of the things we've been through and her reluctance to rely upon a support network to help her stay sober?

I know what I need to do to protect our children and I'm at peace that I've been to hell and back a few times, and I want to get off the train so there's no more guilt about "don't give up now, maybe this will be the things that gets her there".  

Thanks for your help.  

Answer
Hi Dave,

It's not uncommon that an alcoholic falls off the wagon once they've hit a year of sobriety. They feel more confident, and forget.

To answer your question -- Yes, if your wife is reluctant to have a support network, there will be another disaster.

You have to stay strong for the sake of yourself and the family. Tell her that you know that she's drinking and you have no control over what she does. Tell her, that you and the kids have had enough and demand that she goes to AA, get a sponsor and work on her sobriety.

Do not feel guilty or sorry for her because that will only lead to enabling her. Here is some information about that: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

It would be helpful for you to attend Al-Anon meetings, so you also have support and information at this difficult time. There is really nothing you can do about keeping your wife sober, but you can keep the kids safe from this roller-coaster of emotions.

You must stand firm for her to get the help she needs (and she'll argue). Right now, she thinks she can stop drinking on her own, but you and the kids don't have the time to wait and see if she does. You need her to take action now.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Best of luck,

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com