Expert: Druideck - 11/7/2009

Question
I'm not to sure how this goes but i have a few questions. I am with a great man but he's only great when hes not drinking. we have a year old lil girl together and i have a 4yr old son from a previous relationship. but my boyfriend drink all the time. he has said and done some very horrible thing to me ei after i had our daughter i told him i had post pardem depression and he told me i was f'd in the head and that i was crazy. we have been fight ing for about 1 year about his alcoholism. its like everytime he lies about his drinking he puts a small hole in my heart at one point he has chose to have beer in his life than me and the kids his exact words were "well beer is always going to be in my life if you want to be with me you'll have to deal with it" now all these things have been dealt with on his end but my question hes planning on purposing to me and i don't want to be married to an alcoholic so what do i say should i go to al-anon meetings should i tell him how I'm feeling or will it endup in a fight. it seems we don't fight when i don't talk or get upset about his drinking. this is a very complex situation please help me.
mandy

Answer
Mandy,

it is not so complex as you may think.
He is an ill person and addicted to
alcohol, this is why he chooses it
over you. He can mot stop until
he has had enough of the problems
it causes and goes for help.
If he is not willing to get help
he will continue to get worse
in his alcoholic behaviours.
He will become less caring and
he will likely be more angry,
mean and unable to have any
decent relationships.

I would strongly advise against
getting married to a man in this
condition. It will only get worse
and you will suffer.

He may be a good man somewhere inside
but alcohol will destroy him.
You will be going down with him if
you do not break free.
Your self-esteem may get so
bad that you will not have the strength
to get away later on.

If you want to stay then you will
have to accept that he is sick and
he will not get better without
going to regular AA meetings.
He will drink and nothing you
say is going to change him.
You can attend Al-Anon and they
may help you to focus on yourself
and detach from him. This is not
an easy way to live however
as emotions are not easy to turn off.

He is not treating you well.
This is bound to get worse.
I suggest getting some help and
support for yourself and let him
go abuse somebody else if he does
not want to get help for his drinking problem.
You can learn to value yourself and
expect better treatment from someone
you love. Love is not all this
fighting, love is support and
compliments, love does not make
you feel sad. You must decide how
you want to define love and then see
if he fits that description.

Take care!