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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > Is boyfriend an alcoholic?
Expert: Druideck - 11/3/2009
Question
QUESTION: Hello..
I'll try to keep this brief, but I feel it's important to get as many details as possible into this.. I've been with my boyfriend for about 14 months- we moved in together early (perhaps too early in hindsight) and since we've moved in, things have started going downhill. What started as us dating and both drinking together has turned into a harsh reality for me- that my 33 year old boyfriend drinks over 5 drinks a day, every day. When we first started dating I noticed he drank a lot and was probably in denial then- but I chalked it up to us having fun, dating, etc.. Once we moved in together I noticed he had to drink every day. I've stopped drinking altogether because it's become a turn-off and a concern and I think it's probably contributing to the problems we're experiencing in our relationship. I've confronted him about this once or twice since moving in- he was defensive at first and denied he had a problem, but eventually relented a bit and managed to say he maybe had been drinking a little too much lately. He stopped for 2 days and I could see this was hard for him- he seemed anxious and jittery and had trouble sleeping. On day 3 he came home and it was the same routine- he was drunk by 8 PM. He drinks every day, anywhere from 3 to 10 drinks. On the weekends he sometimes starts as early as 11 AM. This past weekend he was drinking brandy 4 hours after waking up- he joked about how he still had a cold and it was medicinal. To give you an idea of what he drinks, in the past week he's drank a liter of brandy, 3-4 bottles of wine and a bottle of Irish Creme.
The problem I'm having is that he doesn't get angry or mean when he's drunk, doesn't miss work, is otherwise fairly responsible- so it's difficult to point out to him how this is a problem. For me it's even difficult to put my finger on exactly why it bothers me, but this is what I've been feeling: his eyes get blood shot and glassy and far away looking, he has trouble following the thread of a conversation, never wants to go out, has a low libido, poor eating habits, and neglects his hygiene sometimes when he's drinking, has a strong alcohol odor from his skin, etc.. All in all, it's a turn-off and concerns me. I fear what it's doing to his body and mind. Our relationship is on thin ice- I need help trying to determine if he can be helped, if he even needs help- or if maybe I'm just generally unhappy and with an incompatible person and using his heavy drinking as an excuse..?
A couple other points: when I confronted him he admitted several years earlier his friends had sort of an intervention for him regarding his drinking- he said he only has a problem with hard alcohol and tries to avoid it now.
2 years ago he had his first and only DUI- he no longer drives drunk and is responsible when it comes to this, but he also hardly leaves the house anyway.
Every member of his family drinks daily.
Any help at all would be so appreciated. I don't know where to go from here- whether to confront him again, give him an ultimatum, etc. Or is there any possibility I'm over reacting?
Thank you again,
Lara
ANSWER: Lara,
it is common to have some doubts
when living with a problem drinker.
The denial of the person starts
to affect those around him.
You start to second guess the obvious.
He is drinking far too much and too
often to be considered an average
or recreational drinker.
The key factor in this is his
apparent inability to stop drinking
for any length of time.
This is a sign that he is losing
control of when he drinks.
This is also a sign of alcoholism.
Once the drinking has become addictive
as is his daily drinking he will not
be able to stop for long without help
from Alcoholics Anonymous.
The facts that he has had a DUI
and a past intervention means
drinking is a problem he has failed
to address. An intervention only happens
when people are very concerned about
someones drinking behaviour.
I imagine there could be other
problems about his drinking that
he may be hiding from you.
He may be able to cover up the
past by running from it.
Have you talked to anyone else
that knew him long ago?
Has he had past problems with
other relationships due to drinking?
I can not see any good coming out
of his refusal to get help.
You must realize that ultimatims
and threats will not work with his
drinking. Being an unrecovered alcoholic
means he will always drink even
if he promises not to.
He is no longer in control and
will power is not an issue except
in seeking counselling, rehab, and
AA meetings for his problem.
You can complain or make threats but
this is a waste of time for you.
This is an illness and you cannot
force him well.
If the intervention was done in the past
then he is aware of his drinking.
If he does not choose to get help
then you will have a very rocky
relationship with little chance of
success. How can a sick person handle
the responsibilities of a sane, productive
and sometimes stressful life? He cannot
without drinking.
Confrontations only help when
done in a contolled manner as in
an intervention with a trained counsellor.
Your best plan would be to accept him
as is or leave. You can not change him.
This is something only he can do with help
from a group process such as AA.
You must detach from thinking that
you can change him. This is very
unrealistic and has never happened
in any alcoholic situations I have seen
in over 20 years of experience.
If you need help get counselling or
go to Al-Anon.
Do not let your life revolve around his
problems. He can only go downhill without
sobriety at this point, and he will be
more than willing to have you go with him.
-I suggest you take care of yourself.
-Let go of trying to coerce or manipulate
a change in him.
-Accept that he has an addictive illness or
dependency which only he can change.
-Either accept what he is or make plans
to separate yourself from this kind
of involvement if it is too much for you.
I would suggest AA meetings to him and leave
it at that. Hopefully he will seek
help before his health gives out.
Good luck, take care!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you so much for your sensitive, thorough and intelligent response- your insight is clearly backed by much experience in this field and I really appreciate you taking the time to help me with this.
The situation is updated in that I spoke to him yet again about the alcohol- it was shrouded in general relationship-speak, but I definitely let him know (again) that his drinking concerns me still and that I wasn't sure that I would be happy in a relationship with someone who drinks as much as he does. I tried to get him to open up a bit and maybe talk about how it's affected him in the past, etc.. but he was not exactly forthcoming or wanting to be confessional and I didn't want to push him. He didn't seem interested in asking me anything- I would think someone who is in disagreement with my concerns would want to know how their drinking is a problem or how it affects me and the relationship, but he didn't ask much. He just told me he was aggravated and that he would drink less. He managed only to admit that he understands that it alters his mood when he's drinking and he can understand that it may affect me in some way. Obviously this conversation isn't some sort of break through. He's still drinking a lot, the only difference being that the past few days he's started later in the day- 5 or 6 instead of maybe by noon or 1 on his days off.
Also I've noticed he's now buying boxes of wine- not sure if it's because I can't visually check how much he's actually drinking. I noticed they are equivalent to 4 bottles of wine and he went through one of them in 2 days.. now he's on to the next one.
He told me his drinking has never been brought up by anyone he's been involved with- but before we got together it had been 8 years since his last relationship- which I found a little odd, but whenever I've asked he tells me it's because he's picky and gets bored..?
I've met one of his friends and have spent some time with him, but nothing that would give me any insight into his drinking. His family, like I said, drinks every day as well and his father drank a 12-pack every day until his death.
So, I guess I know that this relationship isn't ideal for me and it's definitely causing me great pain and anxiety. I am willing to give him a chance after our updated talk, but I can already see that it probably won't do anything.
I've started sleeping on the couch on nights when I can tell he's wasted- he'll forget to brush his teeth, snore, sometimes get night sweats, and the alcohol smell (especially when I haven't been drinking) gets to me. I don't know how to explain these things to him without humiliating him.
Answer
Lara,
often people that grow up in alcoholic homes
have poor communication skills.
They have to keep quiet to cover up
the families drinking problems.
They become what is called a "closed"
family unit. They keep to themselves,
only trust themselves and do not
like outsiders interfering.
This is all a result of hiding the
alcoholic and his behaviour from the
outside world. It helps them feel
normal and relieves any guilt or shame they may carry.
Your boyfriend is acting out what he learned
in his family of origin.
He is likely an alcoholic from the sounds
of his behaviour.
It sounds like if it comes down to it
he would rather drink than try to recover
in order to keep you around.
This is common as he is addicted and cannot
choose not to drink so by default
if you say you are unwilling to live
that way he will choose drinking instead.
He has to be the one to seek recovery
for it to last any length of time.
If he is not ready to stop drinking
then your choices are limited.
Either you accept him as a person with
a drinking problem and limited
communication skills or you move on
and try to be open to guys
with better life skills next time.
He is shutting down to protect himself
from your desire and attempts to change him.
Maybe change is what he needs but you cannot
force it.
I hope he gets some degree of wakeup
from your inquiries into his drinking.
He has grown up thinking his family
is normal and cannot connect your
concerns to his and his families drinking.
I hope you do what's best for yourself whether
you stay or leave. Take care!
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