Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 11/5/2009

Question
I am at a complete loss of what to do.  I feel like an idiot because I have been through a close realtionship involving people addicted to alchol or drugs in my life so far; my father (alcoholism) and my ex-boyfriend (alcohol and drugs).  My Dad has finally quit drinking due to liver cancer and is dying due to his second failed liver transplant.  My current boyfriend (22 years old) has developed an alcohol addiction.  He did not drink or smoke when we first met, but now does both.  He has been in and out of employment for the last year.  He also received a DUI last year, recently got his license back, and now lost it again due to another DUI.  I love him-as I said he was not like this when we met- but I feel like I'm reliving my childhood.  I am now my mother-the enabler.  I want to kick him out on his butt and tell him to get it right or to get lost, but I can't find it in me to do this.  His family has said they will not let him stay at their house, due to his drinking.  He currently lives at my aparment and I am basically supporting both of us.  I do not give him money or borrow him money for anything.  He has a small supply left over from a few jobs he had, and goes out and spends that on drinking.  I care about him, I don't want to see him suffer, but he is not changing and he treats me poorly on top of it.  I don't know why I have resorted to feeling like I did as a kid, that my Dad didn't love me enough to quit-I know my boyfriend loves me.  I want to be strong but I just end up feeling guilty when I think about leaving him.  I am thinking of going to al-anon and setting up some boundaries for him.  I just have a really good feeling that he will break them, and I won't be strong enough to kick him out considering he will probably be homeless.

Answer
Hello Amy,
I can hear the pain you feel realizing that you have replicated in your relationship with your alcoholic boyfriend some of the same behaviors you experienced living with your alcoholic father. It is unfortunate that we children of alcoholics (me too) tend to be attracted unconsciously to the same types of partners as we lived with in our family of origin. I would not focus on how you allowed this situation to happen, but on what is the best approach for you now. I agree with your idea of attending meetings of Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). Al-Anon these days has not only members who are in a current relationship with an alcoholic but also individuals trying to learn how to minimize the consequences in their current lives of having grown up with an alcoholic parent (sometimes called adult children of alcoholics or ACOAs). There are also ACOA 12 Step meetings but not as many as there used to be. Check out this website: http://www.adultchildren.org/ At this site tou can find some very useful information to help you to begin to identify the traits that you developed living with an alcoholic father that may now be still keeping you from being the whole, healthy individual you can be. It will take time and support of those who have been where you are, for you to be able to do the right things for you in your relationship with your boyfriend. So, be gentle with yourself and seek support, knowledge, and spiritual help in Al-Anon and ACOA Meetings. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com