Expert: Amarnath.B - 11/9/2009

Question
Hi,I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for almost 2 years, at the beginning I didnt know he was an alcoholic, he was recently divorce and both things together made go through for a real bad experience, I love my boyfriend but he decided to start a intensive outpatient program for his disease and mental problems, his parents died couple years ago and he is ex wife got every single pennie left based on what she went through with him on their marriage, he lost his job and he is broke. I ve been trying to be supportive and understand everything that I just mentioned, I was there when he relapsed, and was sober for months, but now he seems to want to change, doctors said that either he comply or die, so he asked to me be away from him for at least a year, he says that he love me but he needs to focus on his recovery, I dont know what to think about that, because Im the only one who went to his family meeting on AA, and Im the only one who is there for him, his family gave up on him, and his ex talk to him everyday because they have a child together and she is not helping, they fight eveytime they talk because they divorce settlement and she always ask for money, I dont know how she could be on his life and I cant??,, I would like to know if I should wait for him until he make up his mind and get better or should I continue with my life??? I dont know if he still loves his ex wife because few times when he was drunk, he called me her name and instead of say that he love me, he said I love ( ex name),, what should I do? I heard about rebound, or not to trust an alcoholic, what should I do?? I love him but I dont want to waist my time if he really dont want me around now on his recovery,, my email is
I really appreciate if you could answer me,, Gina

Answer
Hello Gina,

Thank you for your question.  I really do not know what to make out of this relationship that you are talking about.  You may call it love but it looks like you are actually looking for some emotional security in your life.  And if this is true you have found the wrong person.  Your boyfriend is still not in recovery by your description of his behavior.  Even if he is, an alcoholic actually starts his life all over again when he gets into recovery and so relationships actually should take a back seat. He needs to change the person that was drinking or his “not drinking” will be temporary.  However, in addiction relapse and death are an ever present threat, especially in the first few years. You cannot play a decisive influence in the outcome. This relationship may turn out to be a very traumatic one since your boyfriend is not sure of himself.  He may be using you as an emotional crutch because an alcoholic is a very lonely person.  

I suggest you move on.  You have a whole healthy and beautiful life ahead.  I'm sure you will find someone along the way who would walk with you hand in hand.  It is very difficult to understand an alcoholic and his mind set.  You seem to be a very vulnerable person so before you get really hurt I suggest you make a fresh start in your life.

I wish you all the very best in your life Gina.  Please do not hesitate to contact me again if you have any questions or concerns.


God bless


Amarnath