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Addiction to Alcohol/My boyfriend wants to stop drinking on his willpower,

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Expert: - 11/5/2009


Question
I met my boyfriend 6 months ago.He used to drink a lot or everyday with his previous girlfriend and his life was miserable with her.He met me a month after he left her.When I start dating with I told him at first,without knowing he was a drinker,that I do not like to be with someone that drinks or smokes too much.My love for him has grown little by little and I want to be with him and live with him.He says he loves me so much that he change and stop drinking by his on willpower and my help. So he does not drink around me and he stay sober at least 4 day a week when I am around him or spend the night together.For me I consider it was a success after drinking everyday.But still he drinks when I am not around and he wants me to be with him all the time to keep him away from drinking. I do not know if he will be able to stop drinking on his willpower or having me around all the time(which it is impossible because I have other responsibilities). How to help him in a better way?

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC
Hi Margarita,

It is possible for and alcoholic to stop drinking 'cold turkey', but since he's been drinking when you're not around, he can't do it.

As much as he'd like you to to help him to stop, he's putting you in the position of keeping an eye on him. This will affect your relationship, because you'll start to nag him, or check on him and he'll be angry and start hiding alcohol etc. This tactic is doomed for failure and the pressure on both of you will only lead him to drinking more.

He's the only person who can take care of his sobriety --but he needs a support system. That's one of the reasons the AA program is effective. Not only is there support from the members, but he can get himself a sponsor and call him, whenever he has cravings to drink. Eventually, he can work the 12 steps, which is the psychological part of the program. I suggest that he checks out the meetings in the area.

You can be supportive about his sobriety, but you mustn't enable him. It's so easy to do this, when you care about someone in recovery. Here's some information so you'll be aware of it:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

There's nothing much else you can do. Your boyfriend has to understand that this is his problem and only he can do something about it. AA will give him a good support system, but if he doesn't want to go, you can also suggest addiction counseling.  Point him in the direction to get help,  and support his efforts, but tell him as much as you care for him, this is a problem that only he can control.

Not easy I know but stay strong!

Thank you for asking AllExperts
I hope this information is helpful

Best of luck

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com  
    Questioner's Rating
    Rating(1-10)Knowledgeability = 10Clarity of Response = 10Politeness = 10
    CommentThank you. I will try to change my position from enabler to helper. Thank you so much


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Beverley Glazer

Expertise

I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.

Experience

I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.

Organizations
NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association, For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Education/Credentials
BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor, CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.

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