Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/15/2009

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year in a half now.3 weeks ago he came clean to his parents and myself.He enetered rehab and he was not allowed to use the phone for the first week but his counselor would let him call me.Now he gets to use the phone once a day for 5 minutes if they get through the list of other people before him.If he doesn't get to use the phone before lights out then I do not hear from him.It has been four days and I am sick to my stomach.I know he is still in love with me.He has writen me letters and when he calls me he tells me how much he misses me and that he loves me so much.He has apologized and said,"I have to be selfish right now so I can be better for us.So our fututer and my future will be better.I don't want you to think I'm forgetting you because I am not but I have to do this for myself.I love you my sweet babycakes."I have not heard from him and I decided to call the facility.I spoke with a very nice man and he told me that the men there were under phone restriction for one night and that he was okay but that he would pass the message on that I was leaving him.My boyfriend told me that he has some very important things to discuss with me.He reassured me they were all good none of them bad.He doesn't know whether he is coming home after rehab or going into a halfway house next weekend.What should I do?I feel like I am just sitting here waiting and it is making me physically ill not hearing from him.What can I do for him when he comes home to support him?Please give me some advice!!!Thank you all very much!

Answer
Hi there,

What's going on with your boyfriend is typical of any rehab -- there are restrictions -- and the phone happens to be one of them.

When you are in rehab, you are not only separated from drinking and drugs, but you also get therapy which gives you insight about yourself and the other people in your life. Some rehabs only give immediate family members permission to call and girlfriends would not be included, so consider yourself lucky.

The reason for this is that the residents have to focus on themselves rather than think of the outside world.

Don't be worried if your boyfriend says he wants to take care of himself first. This is important, because right now he has to focus on his sobriety, over and above everything else.

Going to a halfway house may not be a bad thing, because he's in a protective environment but he would have more freedom and be able to leave.

You'll go crazy if you sit around waiting. So, go out with friends and do things to take the pressure off.

When someone leaves rehab, they are very open to talking, so the best thing to do is to listen to him. The important thing to do is not to enable him in any way. Don't treat him as if his was 'sick' or 'incapable', because he's not. Many people are nervous when someone comes out of rehab, because they fear that they can do something to set him back. Here's some info on enabling:

Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

He may also want to go to meetings and get a sponsor. Encourage him to do this. There's really not much more you can do. Your boyfriend has to be the one to manage his addiction and he's now got the tools to do it.  

The fact that he checked himself into rehab shows that he has the motivation and intention to turn his life around.

Thank you for asking AllExperts

I hope this information is helpful

Lots of luck in this new and much better relationship,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com