Expert: Beverley Glazer - 12/7/2009

Question
Hello,

I am 28 and have no kids. My boyfriend of 3 years recently left me. He did not come home from work (which was common later in the relationship) and I pulled him out of the bar, he was drunk and high and told me he did not love me and wanted out. When I met him I knew he had been in prison for home robbery to support a herion addiction. He convinced me he was ready for a sober life and things were ok for a little bit but he began to have a major drinking incident every few weeks, after which he would be so kind and well behaved until the next time he did it. Then as time went on they became more frequent and he added drugs to the mix. He was lying, not coming home, sneaking around, an so on. I was so unhappy in the realtionship but being co-dependent I stayed with him. A month after he left me he already has a new girlfriend and is very cold to me. I cant understand why he resents me so much, or why I am having such are hard time with the loss of such a toxic relationship. I feel that if I was a codependent maybe things would have worked. Maybe my being codependent drove him to act this way. What can I do to stop the pain. I want to love myself and be happy. I want to stop thinking about him every chance I get. I dont know what to do. I am so confused and hurt. Do you have any suggestions? I am also the daugther of an Alcoholic which from what I read has alot to do with my behavior. Thank you for your time.

Answer
Hi Carrie,

Your boyfriend probably wanted to have a sober life when he first met you, but he was unable to do it. He needed help -- AA, counseling etc. and he never did the work. No one can stop an alcoholic/addict from doing what they do, but because you're co-dependent, you put up with the abuse and he feels that you'll be around anyway. This is where you have to change.

Don't blame your codependency for the relationship not working out. The relationship didn't work out because this guy is an alcoholic/addict and you can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.

You mentioned that you are a child of an alcoholic, and you've done some reading on this. Here's more info that might help you:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcoholic-family.html

There are also other pages on codependency that can be helpful as well.

You are spending to much emotional energy on this guy Carrie, and not putting the energy into yourself. If there are CODA groups in your area, I suggest that you join. Counseling can also be helpful. When you put so much caring into an abusive person, and get nothing back, you lose a lot of self esteem.

For the past 3 years, you have been battered emotionally by this guy. Although it's painful, consider it a good thing that he left. It gives you the opportunity to work on yourself and develop a healthy relationship with someone who appreciates you.

As hard as it is, take this as an opportunity to move on.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best!!


Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com