Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 12/9/2009

Question
My husband started abusing drugs and alcohol around age 15- his dad even bought him beer, although he got the liquor on his own. The amount he drank is pretty amazing to hear about- it's a wonder he's alive. Around age 19 or 20 he started drinking less, by the age of 21 he had stopped drinking and smoking. I started dating him. By 22-23 he was drinking and smoking again. No liquor, but beer. Lots of fights and drama arose from my discomfort with the amount and the frequency with which he drank. This ended in our marriage counseling session- where I openly stated that I though six beers was enough. He made a show of having changed and recognized his behavior having an impact on me and his health. So for a while it was ok, he stayed to six when he drank and only drank once or twice a week or less. Then he started drinking more again. He also has extreme anger issues- verbally and the smashing holes in walls kind. Since we've been married (a mere six months) he's left me several times due to out of control fights and rage. During these periods he has drank upwards of 30 or 40 beers- even drove once. I have my ways of finding these things out. I recently attended a wedding with him where he drank around 25 beers in an evening. He thinks over the course of several hours this is acceptable, even normal. He has friends who would drink this much if they didn't vomit or pass out first- his resistance is quite built up after his years of alcohol consumption. I could let this break me. His blatant disrespect for me verbally and through his actions and behavior, his failure to recognize or be responsible for his behavior. My parents want me to leave him, as does his own mother. I'm a Christian, and I took my oathe to him very seriously, although I now recognize my folly in taking him for my husband. (God preserve me from his rage should he ever know I felt that way). I don't bother with his behavior anymore- I leave and stay with my parents if he gets abusive, I have clearly stated how I feel about the alcohol- now I tell him it's between him and God. He expects to be worshiped when he has less than six beers... I don't really feel like that's my job. I tell him I'm glad and I'm proud, but that's it. I've been focusing a lot more on me- my life, my choices, how I can be ok apart from him- my marriage does not define me as a person, I do, my relationship with God does. I have wondered if he doesn't suffer from Borderline personality disorder, but he is the sort who won't go into doctors. He stopped going to work 4 months ago, and after collecting paid leave for several months he quit and took a job at a foodplace (on an application his mother filled out). His family enables him still- I've tried to see that I don't. What would you recommend to a young woman in my position? I just turned 24, I'm working two jobs part time and I am still going to school. I know I'm in a tricky situation- I guess I want to believe that prayer and determination can help. He seems to go through these cycles. I've been there for him since he was 18- I've known him since birth. I feel caught and confused- I know I could not get a divorce and not be incredibly scarred from it. I want to work through it and be stronger for it- but I am not young enough to think I'm an exception to the rule. I'd rather be writing this 6 months in then 10 years and 4 kids in. Sometimes I feel crazy- he thinks his behavior is so normal.  

Answer
Dear Lauren

You need some counseling. I would tell you to leave him, you don't have to get divorced, but you say that isn't an option. When you leave, you tell him that you can't live with him drunk, that if he wants to sober up then you will move back in.