Expert: Beverley Glazer - 12/16/2009

Question
My husband has been an alcoholic for 37 minus 4 years sober. The last 7 years has been unreal. He went from only vodka to listerine. In the last 3 years he has lost 2 jobs due to alcohol, 1st trip to rehab and a trip to the er after falling in the garage after he took 3 heart medication.The last 3 in 2 months. I am at my end. This weekend I asked him if he wanted to stop or continue. He chose to continue to drink. So we made a deal. He does not drink during the day, (unemployed), I get to come home from work and not play the endless denial game with yells and tears( always from me) and after he eats he gets a bottle. I have not cried in 3 days or played the game. Some of the thrill of hiding is taken out of it. There is no more middle ground here after my trip with him to the er. I am tired of being humiliated. I figure he will either stop or die. Am I wrong in going this avenue? I know al anon would not agree. He has been to AA for 37 years in the last 7 2 therapist, many medications the last prozac, bible study, church, rehab, the way I look at it I am the one they are going to put away soon.

Answer
Hi MK,

Your husband has chosen to drink regardless of what it's doing to his body and the people around him, and there is nothing you can do about it. No one can make an alcoholic stop drinking, but you have a choice to live with him or not.

His addiction has been driving you to distraction and you see that the only way you can have some peace of mind is to give him the alcohol he demands. As you know you are enabling him. Here is more information on enabling: http://untwist your thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html
so you're encouraging his behavior

You're aware that if he doesn't get help he will die. However, when you are contributing to his addiction by giving him alcohol, you will feel responsible.

You must put more energy on yourself-- not him. It would be helpful for you to see a counselor, or a minister to discuss your situation.

You should not be judged for giving him the alcohol, because you're just trying to survive in this difficult environment.

If there are codependency groups in your area join.  Ideally, you should get out of this relationship. Reach out and get the help you need.

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

I hope this information is helpful,

All the best at this very difficult time,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com