Expert: Druideck - 2/28/2009

Question
So, I have a question for you.  

A little background first:  I'm a 27 year old female professional - who has
been a functioning alcoholic for about 6 years.  It all began in college with
drinking recreationally...and then I ended up becoming a daily drinker, then
ended up having to drink in the mornings to make it to work without the
shakes.  Vodka is my drink of choice.  Anyway, for the past 2 years, I haven't
even been drinking to get drunk, but rather to stay 'sane' if you will.  I kept
rationalizing that I couldn't take off time from work to get the proper help I
needed, as I tried quitting myself and became violently ill on a number of
occasions.  To make a long story short, last Wednesday I hit the
bottom...couldn't keep down food, was severely dehydrated, and my blood
pressure was through the roof.  My boyfriend didn't really know the gist of
how much I drank either, but brought me to the ER.  Ends up my liver is kinda
messed up from years of abuse and I even have a slight case of
pancreatitis...at 27!  So, I let help in and went to a detox program to get over
the 'hump" I couldn't get over alone - more physically than mentally.  Well,
though I feel great today (9 days without a drink) I still want to drink socially
at some point.  I don't know what else to do.  The doctor's told me I need to
stop - or I'll literally die.  But since I drank about a 5th of vodka every 2
days....would drinking a glass of wine on ocassion be that bad for me?  I'm
also a bit anxious...social anxiety, I've realized, led me to drinking in the first
place.  So, for the first time in YEARS, I am not numb and am learning to
realize what my sober self is all about.  It scares the shit out of me...I'm
basically an adult child.  I'm just not sure what to do with myself sometimes.  I
mean, I'm 27...nightlife is bars and drinks.  Do you have any suggestions on
how I can continue to stay sober and stay happy/content?  I tend to love
drama...life almost seems boring to me without a drink in me.  However, I
have tons more energy and feel great throughout the day...but when
nighttime comes, I just want to drink.  I don't know about AA meetings...I've
been to a few and I don't think they're for me.  Do you have any advice?  
Thanks!

Answer
Niki,

hi, how are you doing today?
As you can see alcohol has
very powerful presence to it,
enough to trick you into drinking
yourself to death or insanity.
I am sure you can see how serious
it is for you to hold on to
old ideas about drinking socially.
You have gone far past that point
already from the sounds of it.
To drink is to die and you will
have to give up the illusions that
you are a normal social drinker.
As we drink we develop this dream
where we think we will feel good
again but it doesn't come back.
We start to drink to feel "normal"
Normal people that drink socially
don't feel the absolute need we
do for alcohol. We don't realize
there is a world of people out
there that do not care if they
drink or not, they still
have the power of choice, we do
not. We are compelled to drink
ourselves to death or insanity
whichever comes first.
I could not stay away from that first
drink for more than about 11 days
on my own willpower.
At this point my false pride was
destroyed, I had to decide to live
or die. I wanted to drink like
normal people and enjoy
the social scene but for me that
was to die from drinking.
I went to counselling, treatment
and finally AA meetings.
I went to AA because on my own
I always picked up another drink.
This was the end, live or die.
After reluctantly going
to AA and trying to find some
good people to guide me,
I was sober for longer than I thought
possible. I tried to listen and
apply the "Twelve steps" to my
life as best I could.
I did not like any of this at first
because I had an alcoholic brain
and my thinking was muddled.
As the fog began to lift I saw
how my life was controlled by
alcohol and to be really free
I had to escape it's clutches.
The severe mental obscession
and bodily compulsion or urge
to drink slowly left me.
Today I have no urge or
desire to drink. I do
know that one drink will start
the cycle of destruction again
for me. That scares me as I do
not want to go back to that life
again. I was tired of feeling
like I didn't fit in, tired
of feeling like a child in
a world of adults.
I had not developed emotionally
while drinking so was like
a child starting over with
a new life.
One thing we as drinkers have to
learn is to stop fighting
everything and everybody and
try to open our minds.
We come to realize we have to give
up our destructive dependence on
alcohol if we want to live.
We have to give up all the excuses
that keep us drinking.
Even not caring is just another excuse.
Let go and let AA help you,
they will give you your life back
if you stop the resistance.
I was almost destoyed by drinking
and now I have been sober for 22 years.
I can go out anytime with friends,
I am free to do anything I want
in life. I just have to remember
not to pick up that first drink,
one day at a time or one minute at
a time. If I drink it starts
the addictive cycle again and I might
not make it back next time.
Don't give up your beautiful life
so easily, hang on, don't let alcohol
be your doom. There are a million
other things to be obscessed about,
try a new one!
Seriously, take care and watch the
thoughts that can lure you to drink.
Go to AA for yourself, for your life,
at least until you feel safe from alcohol.