Expert: Beverley Glazer - 2/2/2009

Question
Hi Beverly. As pretty much everyone here, i am also dealing with an alcoholic husband. We have been married for 2 years now but we have been dating for 6 years before we got married.
Both of his parents drank, and he was young when they divorced (partly because of the alcohol). He could never overcome this and later needed professional help as well; including medications for anxiety and depression. When we first met he was still taking medication for his anxiety but later stopped as we found a therapist for him. We were both working hard, we had a dream to one day be married and have a good life together. I knew once in a while he played poker with his friends or had a few beers but it was never a problem. He always worked very hard, studied, payed the bills and was very responsible. A year before we got married he completely stopped drinking saying he needed to focus for his job and he is more productive when not drinking. I was delighted and really proud of him for that decision - which he made on his own. He didn't even have a sip of champagne on our wedding day...
But little after we got married something changed. We bought our dream home together, had everything we wanted - but slowly he started to change. He started to stay up late at night watching scary movies after i went to bed, saying he can work better at night (he is a programmer). This has been going on for about a month when one night i could not sleep and went downstairs to find him with a bottle of vodka... After doing some research i found multiple bottles of vodka all over the house. It really stunned me since i had no idea about him drinking. The next morning he admitted that he is also back on taking medicines for his anxiety and depression. He swore he will never ever drink again. From that point i became paranoid and was looking for evidence constantly. Once he realized drinking at home is no longer safe since i am not as dumb as he thought, he started to "work late". On his way home he would stop at the local poker club and play poker and drink. He did loose a lot of money but when he was sober always took on side projects and made up for it. Then one day he got in trouble at the poker club and got arrested for it with 2 felony charges and kicked out from the club. He swore again he will not drink any more. We found new hobbies to keep him busy, started to go bowling, played tennis which helped for about 2 weeks. Since he could no longer go gambling he started to go to local bars this time. He always said he thought he could stop for 1 drink and i won't notice. But taking antidepressants as well he blacked out every time and was very lucky that someone always found him. One day he almost killed himself and had to be taken to the ER from a bar. That is when we got him help, he joined AA and a counselor, i was there supporting him in beating this disease. He knew how much this hurt me since my father passed away a few years ago as a result of alcohol problems. He said he can beat this, he wants to beat this. He still played poker - no longer with his friends or at the club - this time it was online. He said i can't take away everything from him that he loves. So i didn't.
Then everything was fine for a few months when he got a new job up north and we decided to move. It was a great opportunity for him at a large corporation, he was really excited about it and i felt safe since he was sober for over 4 months then. So we moved and he started his job. One night after a little argument over Christmas presents he decided to leave and go shopping. But then again he ended up in a bar in a big city where we didn't know anyone. Luckily i found him again, he swore again he won't drink. But the next day he came home from work hiding a bottle of vodka in his jacket - half empty.. I felt helpless. He started to blame me for his drinking, telling me if he didn't have to hide it from me he could drink like a normal person. He said he needed his space and he wanted to be alone, wanted me to leave. I still stayed for 3 more occasions, every time him promising he will not drink again. I suggested finding a therapist in the new city for him but he just said yes to make me happy. I suggested going to AA again but he told me he was afraid of the strangers there and didn't want to tell his story again. Then he finally admitted he loved alcohol more than me and i should leave, let him win his fight alone. I was begging him that i wanted to help him but he said no. He got me a plane ticket to leave the next day - which i did. I came back to Europe, and ever since then he has been begging me to come back. Luckily i am an ocean away from him that he can not just come over, but i just don't know what to do. I believed him so many times, i trusted him, tried to help him and can not figure out what went wrong. I can no longer see him as a responsible, reliable father - i would be scared to ever have a child from him. I still love him and care about him, but i am afraid to go back.
Since i left he joined AA again, is seeing a therapist and is reading the big book, his father moved in with him to help him - but i feel that this is just another fight for him.He wants to win me back and once i am back he can start it again. I want to believe him but i just don't know if i can. Its been 3 weeks now that i left and he says he is a changed man, it opened his eyes and he would do anything for me to get me back - but i don't think anyone can change in 3 weeks... What do you think? I just need some advice, is there anything i could do to help? Should i let him win the fight alone? Thanks a lot in advance for your help.


Answer
Hi Kelly,

It sounds like you've done just about everything to get this man to change. He's an alcoholic - and unfortunately no matter how hard you try, he's the one who's got to change.

The fact that you picked up and went to Europe is the best thing that has come out of it, but I know it's very hard. Your husband has a dependent personality and hates being alone. This page will help you understand the relationship.
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency

Alcoholic/addicts frequently get into codependent relationships but it's unhealthy for both of you. Do not simply come back because he's joined AA & has a therapist. He's done this many times and quit. He has to work on his anxiety issues as well as drink. His escapist behavior as also led him into gambling.

An alcoholic is manipulative and once he gets what he wants (which is you coming back)he'll revert. He's got to fight the fight alone.
Tell him that you love him, but he's put you through hell. Tell him that he needs to work on his issues and that he doesn't have any long term sobriety - and that when you see that he does, you'll consider it - but right now, you're not allowing yourself to be hurt again.

He won't like it, because he needs you, but stand firm. Don't feel sorry for him. Remind him that his first love is alcohol, which has gotten him in a lot of trouble, and he has to get over that relationship first before the 2 of you have another.

This is difficult to do, but in the mean time, get on with your life. You deserve to be happy.

Hope this info will be helpful and thanks for writing All Experts.

Stay strong! All the best

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com