Expert: Beverley Glazer - 2/3/2009

Question
I have so many questions I don't know where to start.  I just recently broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend of 2.3 years.  I don't understand why I'm feeling bad about the break up when I'm the one who broke it off.  It wasn't so bad when we first got together, but as time passed it got really bad.  I have two kids and one is his.  First thing he does after work before even looking at me or the kids, is run to the fridge and drink two beers, then he continues to drink until he goes to bed.  We have gotten into pretty bad fights.  He would call me terrible names and say things to me like I'm lazy, useless, incompetent, bipolar, worthless, and he doesn't understand what he even saw in me. He even seemed a little bored with me and with our family. Then when I'd bring up his drinking and emotional/mental abuse he'd always say that I cause him to drink, or that he drinks despite me and that he calls me names because he knows it bothers me.  Is this normal for an alcoholic?  He's even dumped beer in my face on purpose when he was wasted and he's gotten physical with me once and with my oldest son whose 4yrs old once.  But anytime we even have a normal little argument he puffs up at me and gets really offended like I'm attacking him.  Why does he feel so threatened by me?  He just moved out and this may sound stupid, but I do miss him even considering the situation. He doesn't seem to miss us that much and he keeps turning the whole situation around and blaming me. Does he just not see or understand what he's doing to himself and our family? He's not a bad person and he's even fun to be around when he's sober. He's only sober when he's at work it seems.  Is there anything I can do to help him?  He wants to have partial custody of our youngest, but I don't think I can trust that he can go one day without a drink or even a full weekend. He drinks everyday of the week. I don't want a broken family anymore than it already is and I know I can't force him or threaten him to get help.  What should I do?  Is there anything I can do or is this just a lost cause?

Answer
Hi Emily,

Right now, there's nothing that you can do to help this man. He's an alcoholic and his first love is his drink --not the family.  To give you some insight on the relationship, read this information on codependency:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency.html

A codependency relationship is not uncommon when your in a relationship with an alcoholic.  He knows that you care for him and don't want a broken family so he continues his abusive behavior, taking no responsibility -- it's all your fault. This makes you feel guilty and diminish your self esteem.

Find out if there are CODA groups in your area. If there aren't go to Al Anon meetings. The members will give you insight and support on staying strong and boost your self esteem. This is not easy, but hang in there. No one deserves to be in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship.

Best of luck!

I hope that this information helps you.

Thank you for writing All Experts.

Beverley Glazer
http://untwist-your-thinking.com