Expert: Clyde - 2/8/2009

Question
QUESTION: My husband has been drinking very heavily for a number of years(8 or so) It is now to the point where he drinks when he first wakes up (on his days off) and drinks until he goes to bed. We have been married 42 yrs. & have grown children. They have tried to get him to stop and when we  get together with them there is always quarrels and of course disagreements. No one wants him around small children as this shows an example to them all. Not only am I at the end of my rope, I can't seem to help him at all and get him to agree to get help for himself. I am desperate and have no one to turn to. I can no longer allow this to come between our children and yet I feel I am abandoning the ship if I leave him. Please give me advice. Thank you.

ANSWER: Carolyn,
     Thank you for your question and for giving me some details of this situation.

     It is a tough situation - when the loved one just won't see the light and understand what they are doing to their family.

     I can think of no better suggestion than this:  Set up an "intervention" on him.  This is done with the help of outside agencies or treatment centers or perhaps your pastor or priest. These folks have the skills and experience at doing this " as a matter of last resort."

     It would typically involve ALL the children and yourself at ONE TIME with the help of these agencies to let him know the drinking is out of control and something must be done because consequences are about to occur if it does not.  Typically, it is planned as part of the intervention, that he  be told that he is to leave immediately for a treatment center and that he is to remain there for at least 30 days.

    I would suggest that you pray about this and make a few phone calls to some drug and alcohol treatment facilities to see how they would go about this for him.  I have never personally done an intervention so I am very unknowledgeable as to how to do one but the centers will be able to guide you.

    I feel your pain and I know how hard it must be to live with this day after day.

    I'll keep you in my prayers and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: A few other details. I had lost my job several months ago and now an intervention would surely cause another job loss or certain time off without pay. We cannot afford this as we would certainly lose either a car or our home. It's not that I don't agree with this, but money is very much an issue. I have consulted a friend he respects very much and has agreed to talk with him. I need to see if this will go somewhere or if this may be my prayer answered.Another thing, my husband is employed in law enforcement so I do not want to jeopardize his job. This is a very small town and either way I guess we could lose a lot. I do pray and often think I am not being heard or helped.

Answer
Carolyn,
     Thank you for the follow-up and for the added information.  It is a great thing that you have located this friend of your husband's whom he respects.  This just may be the answer to your prayers as it takes someone who can connect with the person on a personal level.  Hopefully, this person will be able to cause him to see what he is doing.

    I understand about the financial concerns but I hope that he will finally hit bottom and begin to do the recovery work that will be required.

    Write again if I may be any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde