Expert: Amarnath.B - 2/21/2009

Question
 My husband has been an alcoholic for years. If you ask him if he is he will tell you no, he can quit anytime he wants to. He is 59 years old. He has had abnormal liver tests many times. His doctor told him a few years back his reading was 87, and when it got to 120 his body would start shutting down. Last year it was 135. He drinks about 150 cans of beer a week, and whiskey if he has it. If all our bills are overdue, he will buy alcohol before he pays anything else. We may do without alot of things, but somehow he never is without alcohol. I am 55. He has zero sex drive, and says he doesn't think he will ever be any different. Sometimes he throws fits when he is drunk, always mean, sometimes threatening me, and always he says it's all my fault because there were dirty dishes in the sink, or because I didn't mow the yard, or didn't do enough to please him. He says he would not give it up for anything, no matter what the ending is. Do I have any reason to believe that he will get help, or should I give up all hope that our lives will ever be better? Thank you for your time in answering me.

Answer
Hello Brenda,

Thanks for your question.  It is very sad that you are also one of the many thousands of women who have been entrapped in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship.  

The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction which your husband is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person.  In an alcoholic relationship, the passive partner often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns.  

Alcoholism is a progressive & fatal disease, and cannot be cured it can only be arrested by total abstinence.  The disease however, will continue to grow.  A person will stop drinking only if he has a desire to do so. Many alcoholics come into recovery after they have touched rock bottom vis-à-vis loss of job, family, finance, home etc.  But some of them sadly don’t live to see recovery because alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease. Some are lucky enough to get back on their feet and start a new life with the help of groups like Alcoholics Anonymous.  But others die a pitiful death, or go to jails, or worse still will end up at the gates of an asylum, insane.  Your husband probably has to touch rock bottom till he actually thinks about recovery.  

Brenda, it’s time you did a little bit of soul searching and come to terms with life.  Start facing the reality and start living life on life’s terms.  You have a life of your own and need to move on.  Have a frank talk with your husband.  Either he gets into recovery or you need to move on.  You have actually become a co-dependent.  I suggest you contact Al-Anon (a self-help group of  family and friends of alcoholics).  Your perception might change after meeting people who are in the same situation as yours.  In these meetings you will be able to get a lot of strength and support to face your situation.  You can also suggest to your husband to see a Counselor.  But I doubt it will be of much help since you said your husband has no desire to stop drinking.  

Now that leaves you and your life ahead.  I suggest you move on and move on quickly.  There is no point in wasting away your precious life living with an alcoholic who has no desire to change.  Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel.  If he refuses to change then you should change – change for your own good.

I pray that things work out well for you and I also pray that your husband recovers before he actually touches rockbottom.  Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

God bless


Amarnath