Expert: Clyde - 2/2/2009

Question
I have been married to my spouse for 23 years.  I love him and he is a person with great depth and soul.  He is a problem drinker and has always put this ahead of me and our marriage although he denies it.  I have stayed in the marriage because I love hime and the children.  My youngest is now 17.  I have alot of resentment towards him and cannot stand the smell and effects of alcohol.  As a result of this, we have not been intimate for quite awhile.  I wonder if God expects me to perform all my spousely duties even tho it repels me.  I also would like to know if God expects me to stay in this marriage any longer.  My happiness is irrelevent.  I want to be obedient to God at this point and that is all that matters to me.  When I took my vows, I meant them.  In sickness and in health...

Answer
Gloria,
   Thank you for your questions and I am inspired by your words of devotion and commitment to the covenant you made with your husband in the sight of God.  There are few who are married and have this ideal of what it meant to take the vow in marriage.

   Your wondering about your spousal duties given the repulsion of the behavior and the smell of alcohol leads me to point you to St. Paul's words in 1 Cor. 7:4-6  It says this: "For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of lack of self-control.  This I say by way of concession, not of command."

   I would ask that you consider this text, pray about it and ask God's guidance in your understanding of it.

   I will offer you my thoughts: The notion that the "husband has no authority over his own body, but the wife does" implies to me that a husband is to honor his wife by keeping his body clean and undefiled so that intimacy may be enjoyed by the wife.  Conversely for the wife.  Reeking of booze and being altered in mind is not honoring one's spouse.  I say that if this be the case, either of the spouses has no reason to feel guilty of refusing intimacy and would be degrading themselves if they did.

    I would further suggest that the temptation of Satan be considered in this question.  If I have no self-control and would be led to adultery or even the notion of lust having deprived my spouse of intimacy, would I not be placing myself at risk for sinning against God?  I am to release my sexual urges with my spouse.  Secondly, am I forcing the possibility that my spouse may be led to adultery or even lust because I have deprived them of this natural, human sexual release?  It is a serious consideration.  One intimate interlude may offer the spouse their "right" to sexual fulfillment and prevent sin.

    As far as leaving the marriage, you do not say enough about the relationship and any other difficulties that may exist (i.e. abuse, financial, adultery, AA/Alanon programs, counseling etc.).  The reeking of booze and drinking I would contend is insufficient reason to divorce a spouse, but extenuating circumstances such as those listed above may alter that opinion.

    I hope this has helped give you some things to think about and ponder in your meditation with God.  If I can be of any further help, please do not hesitate to write again.  

    I'll hold you in my prayers.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde