Expert: Clyde - 2/20/2009

Question
Hello! I have looked all over the web for information on the behavior patterns of an alcoholic in recovery. Much to my frustration, I cannot find anything that can explain the pattern behaviors of alcoholics in recovery and their subsequent relationships.

About two years ago, I met a wonderful man who was 2 years sober and was a live-in counselor for a halfway house for drug/alcohol addicts. I found him to be the most kind, compassionate and unselfish person I had ever known. He pursued me romantically with relentlessness. Eventually, I allowed myself to let go and return his love. Because I was his supervisor, we had to keep our relationship a secret. We spent all of our time together whether it was dating or talking on the phone. He had our whole future planned out - wedding & all. Everything was perfect! I applied for a transfer and it was granted - we could go ahead with our future! When he found out (that I was transferring), within a couple of weeks, he announced some dramatic story (that one of the addicts stuck him with an HIV needle) and that he couldn't deal with hurting me so I was to stay away from him until all tests confirmed that he was safe. Shortly after that, he abruptly left the halfway living house without saying anything to the director (she contacted the workplace looking for him). Everything about him seemed to be different. Well, the time came (6 months later) and the tests came back negative. He was safe. We started back where we left off but it only lasted a week or so. That has been how it is - one or two weeks - incessant phone calls, intimacy and loads of promises & then he shuts off his cell phone and has nothing to do with me. Then a month or two will go by & I will confront him and he will declare his undying love and that things will be different this time. Non stop calls, dates, etc and then nothing again. That has been the pattern going on for its 2nd year. I have tried to be patient and forgiving. It seems to me that he loves his fears more than he loves me.

Please help me to understand this behavior. This man is the most selfless person I know and yet doesn't seem to think about what all this inconsistency is doing to me. He lives by himself and has no family. He has even isolated himself from the few friends that he has. Due to his refusal to turn on his cell, he found out, just by accident, that his best friend was killed. No one could contact him to tell him in time to attend the funeral.

I am concerned over this erratic behavior and would appreciate any information you can give me to understand how those in recovery develop new relationships or if this man is in trouble. And if he is, what help can I suggest?

Thank you for your time!  

Answer
Jen,
   Thank you for your questions and for the explanation of the situation.

   I am no psychologist but I will offer to you some suggestions for things you might think about.

   There is just on way to really give you any clues about his behaviors. There could be a myriad of things working in his psyche to cause this erratic behavior.  Only he can unravel it.

   My experience is this:  A 2 year sober individual is not going to know who they really are.  There has not been sufficient time to delve into the core of the person's soul and spirit.  Unless he is working a diligent program and working the steps seriously or seeing a psychologist regularly he will in no way discover his true identity.

   I do not find many alcoholics who are willing to do the serious work on digging through their psyche so as to uncover this fantastic dimension of recovery.  It is just a very tough hurdle to surmount.  There is usually some deep-seated fear that prevents the journey.

   You have used the phrase, "It seems to me that he loves his fears more than he loves me."   Well, yes, and no.  I think he really does love you ; he does not love the fear - he is blind to it, he will not delve into it.  His ability to be in a relationship unconditionally hinges on this fear.  He alone knows what it is.

   Two suggestions, from my experience:

1.)   He needs to do some work on personality types - he needs to discover the one for which he identifies.  This would be a good thing for you to do as well.  A quick assessment is on the Internet.  Just google Myers-Briggs and find a site for a FREE assessment - don't pay for one.  This will give you basic features from which to explore deeper.  I suspect you'll find that his type likes aloneness and solitude.  His dilemma may be that he does not know how to convey this to you because he doesn't know it himself.  Just a possibility.  By your taking the test, you'll discover your type and begin to learn how to ascertain how you fit with the other types.  A word of clarification: ALL TYPES ARE GOOD; DO NOT USE THIS TO FIGURE OUT WHICH TYPE IS BETTER THAN ANOTHER; IT IS JUST AN INDICATOR OF DIFFERENT WAYS OF INTERACTING WITH THE WORLD.

2.) If he has not done a fourth step, he needs to complete that right away; if he has, he needs to return to it and review it for completeness. In addition, that inventory needs to include a special section on relationships and patterns in those.

    I hope this has helped some to give you some ideas on where to go with this relationship.  If he is unwilling to explore these seriously, I would suggest that you will always experience frustrations with him until such time that HIS pain becomes too overwhelming and he is forced to a bottom and deals with it then.

   Write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde