Addiction to Alcohol/alcoholism

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Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 2/28/2009


Question
Hi, I don't know where to start. I am 45 in a relationship with a man 58.We have been together for 3 years.He has spent the last year in jail for his 4th DUI. This is his second DUI with me.He is to be released the end of March.He is European and has drank all his life. He drinks 24/7,morning,all day,through the night.Mostly wine 3 or 4 bottles a day.Very seldom hard liqour.Visits the bars and hangs out almost everyday.He is a very stubborn man and set in his way.He can either be the sweetest person or very mean.He has had heart surgery and rectal cancer.He refuses treatment for the cancer and will eventually die.He doesn't get along with my children.I'm afraid I will not be able to handle him when he gets home nor will he.He will not do any programs.The court has ordered a breathalyzer to be sent home with him to keep the community safe.Of course,I love him and want him home for his last days. But,I do not know how we can survive.
Thank you for your time,Michelle

Answer
Greetings to you, Michelle.

You have written:

>> He is European and has drank all his life.

Cultural influences can be strong, but cultural influence does not produce alcoholism.  True alcoholism is a genetic condition that can be "set off" by alcohol after drinking has been started, but drinking does not lead to alcoholism unless the predisposition was first present.

>> He is a very stubborn man ... refuses treatment ... will not do any programs.

As driven by a variety of things such as selfishness, self-centeredness, self-pity, egoism and more, alcoholics can be defiant all the way to their graves.  They usually suspect they are in some way at least a bit troubled, yet their fear and/or pride usually hold them back from admitting that even to themselves.

>> He doesn't get along with my children.
>> I'm afraid I will not be able to handle him when he gets home ...
>> Of course, I love him and want him home for his last days.
>> But, I do not know how we can survive.

First have a quiet and candid talk with your children.  Let them know you are very aware of his alcoholism and that he is a very sick man who will possibly never get well ... then give your children a little time to think about whether he or anyone else should ever be left to die out in an alley somewhere.  Next, carefully listen (even behind their words) to hear what they say in response, then decide how to proceed from there.  If you do decide to continue providing for him, make it very clear to him there will be no alcohol or drunkenness at all allowed anywhere either on or in sight of your home and property.  Let the sufferer know you will not try to stop him from drinking 'til he dies if he does not want to seek help, but that he will have to do that completly out-of-sight of your children.

Please know you are always welcomed to write ...

Joseph Lee
leejosepho@hotmail.com

Addiction to Alcohol

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Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

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