Expert: Beverley Glazer - 2/9/2009

Question
I was a widow with 2 boys ages 4 and 7 when I met my boyfriend.  He was a
single father (mother is an on/off again heroin addict) of a 4 year old son
also.  We had so much in common, I thought, that we moved in together
almost immediately.  I knew that he drank a little ( I drink maybe 1-2 IF I go
out with the girls once a month) but he was "just a regular guy".  Problems
began almost immediately but he always blamed them on me, the kids, or
most annoyingly, how his son just needed more quality time with his father
on a one on one basis.  He left countless times.  After 4 years of us being off
and on (currently not living together now but still seeing eachother) I have
finally admitted to myself that he is an alcoholic.  I've never been physically
abused but I have been totally humiliated, used, embarrassed, lied to, and
threatened.  When he's over his tantrum, he laughs it off and says that I
should know he would never hurt me and I am way too uptight.  He only
wants to drink when the guys stop by or there is a party.  Those instances
usually last for weeks of more lies and mood swings.  My head says I should
leave him for good but when he isn't drinking, he is so good to us.  Recently,
he asked if I wanted to try again and go to the movies.  I was happy and
waited all day for him but when he came to get me, he was trashed.  I told
him to leave and he did to continue drinking but called me 3 days later like
nothing happened.  I am just confused as to when he is the real man I love.  
He says when he is drinking, his true heart comes out and everyone loves
him.  He is funny and will do anything for anyone.  When he is straight and he
makes me promises, I think he means it but they just never come through.  
Right now, he has quit drinking and says that he will not attend AA because it  
is a game and they just want to see him fall off the wagon.  His father was an
ex alcoholic but ended up being an AA sponsor for 30 years before he died
and supposedly showed him the right way to do it.  I notice he is always a
victim and I don't like his influence on my kids but even they like him when
he is not drinking.  I just never know when to let my guard down because I
always get hurt.  The fantasy of us being together forever isn't there anymore
so why do I keep trying this over and over?  He says I am so insecure that it
makes him drink and he is right.  I just don't trust him anymore because the
nicer he is, the sooner I know he is gonna drink.  I can just go on and on but I
was hoping you could give me some insight to keep in my head for when he
turns on the charm and cons me again.  Even writing this, one half of me says
he can be so good and the other says I'm being used for convenience.   One
other thing about him is that he is  he takes care of his son, works everyday,  
and pays all of his bills on time.  I haven't found much to read about
functioning alcoholics.  Can you help me?

Answer
Hi Marie,

It seems that this guy is functioning right now, but he's playing with fire and it's only a matter of time before his addiction takes hold of him. He's in denial. Regardless of what he's learned from his father, you cannot be your own  AA sponsor.

The relationship with this man is very hurtful and demeaning and he takes advantage of your good nature. This is what's called a codependent relationship. To read more about it, here's a link:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency.html

Codependents often find themselves with alcoholic/addicts. There's a book that also may be helpful: Codependent no More by Melanie Beattey.
You are not alone with this problem.


There are also CODA Groups that you may want to join. Check if they're available in your area. The membership will help you handle his manipulation and his charm that brings him back into your life, and help you to move on.


Hope this information is helpful. Thanks for writing All Experts.

Good luck!

Bev
http://untwist-your-thinking.com