Expert: Amarnath.B - 2/17/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi,
I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago, after a long distance
relationship of over a year. I never noticed his drinking as a big problem
before I moved as we lived in different countries. All I remember is being
slightly concerned at the measures he was pouring. He never used to stay up
all night drinking back then.

Since we have lived together, it has pretty much escalated. I left my friends &
family behind & the first week I moved in, he went out until 4 in the morning
drinking, as he couldn't handle the pressure.

He has a very stressful job & he said for the last 5/6 years he has used
alcohol to relax or block out stress. Which as I know is not healthy & I do not
want to be around it.

Basically, he will not come to bed until the early hours of the morning a few
times a week & this is mid-week. I have found him still drinking, surrounded
by a few empty beer cans & a bottle of wine when I have woken up at 3 or
4am. With maybe 8 or 9 cigarettes stubbed out on a plate. This is when he is
alone, or after he comes in from a night drinking.

He is remorseful after it happens & is seeing a therapist once a week but I
dont know if this is a deeper problem. I feel pretty alone in the relationship
as he works long hours & I don't feel that he offers me much emotional
support. Although, at the same time he can be a great boyfriend & is caring
at times. Which is the reason I moved, so I feel slightly duped.

I have had to leave the apartment for hours at a time, before he agrees to
stop drinking for a week, or so on. This is a hard pattern for him to break & I
am glad he is trying but I do not want to live my life like this long term. He
says he can feel he is getting better but it is affecting my work & life here too.
So I dont know how to address it anymore.

Any advice would be great. Thank you.

ANSWER: Hello GM,

At the outset I’m glad that you are seeking help quite early in your relationship.  Looking at the pattern of your boyfriend’s drinking, it’s obvious that he is an alcoholic.  Alcoholism is a progressive disease and cannot be cured.  It can only be arrested by total abstinence.

Alcoholics need and find reasons for their drinking.  In your boyfriend’s case, he says he drinks to block out stress or to relax.  He drinks because he is afraid to face reality and to get away from his feelings.  Most alcoholics have a deep sense of insecurity and fear in them.  To numb these feelings they tend to drink more and more.  You did mention that you were concerned in the beginning about his drinking & escalated after you moved in with him.  Most alcoholics are loners, like to drink alone, and be on their own.  When you moved in, things changed, his life style kind of got disrupted, and he could not handle it.  This is because of his insecurity and fear.  Alcoholics also tend to take their partners for granted.  

Most relationships in an alcoholic scenario are dysfunctional when one of the partners is an active alcoholic.  What an alcoholic says and does under the influence is usually alcohol-induced reaction. An alcoholic is very selfish and will go to any lengths to please the other person as long as his/her domain is secured. Most alcoholics have very low self-esteem and a deep sense of insecurity.  They need reassurances and acceptance for everything that they say and do.  That is why your boyfriend is full of remorse the morning after.  

In an alcoholic relationship, the passive partner often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns.  This is called co-dependency. Though you are not an alcoholic you will in any case develop all the characteristics of one.  Before you actually get entrapped in this loop you will have to address this issue with your boyfriend.  

The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction which your boyfriend is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that alcoholism is a physiological illness, based on alcohol dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the alcoholic, one is better able to see that the addiction/alcoholism is solely an individual journey for that person.  Your boyfriend needs help before it is too late.  Many alcoholics come into recovery after they touch rock bottom vis-à-vis loss of job, family, relationships, finance, home etc.  But some of them sadly don’t live to see recovery because alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease.

You did mention about therapy sessions that your boyfriend attends.  Has the therapist not recognized the main issue vis-à-vis alcohol?  Talk to your boyfriend about his drinking and how it is affecting you and the relationship as a whole.  Ask him to seek help for his drinking.  Let him try AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) where millions have sobered up and are living happily.  

Most long distance relationships don’t actually last.  This is because the partners don’t actually spend quality time together to get to know each other before they actually start living together.  GM, it’s time you did a little bit of soul searching and come to terms with life.  Start facing the reality and start living life on life’s terms.  Have a frank talk with you boyfriend and work things out in a healthy way.  If things don’t work out then don’t get hurt.  You need to move on and move on quickly.  You have a whole life ahead to lead.  Your boyfriend needs help and he should seek it now.  Alcoholism is a fatal disease and I don’t want you to be a part of it.  Your boyfriend needs to speak to an Addiction Counselor and try AA.  

I don’t know if I have been of much help as per your expectations but please understand relationship issues in a dysfunctional alcoholic scenario is very complex.  It does take a lot of courage to face reality but in the long run positive approach pays off.

If you do have any more questions or concerns please do not hesitate to mail me.

God bless


Amarnath

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. That has helped a lot. I just wanted a confirmation that this behaviour isn't acceptable & I am not overreacting.

Basically, I have asked him to go to counselling for the addiction & that I would go with him. He said to let him go to his therapist first & to talk to her about it. Although, he cancelled therapy this week, for a dinner. I dont think he is taking this seriously enough. He is definitely improving but my concern is that as this is a lifetime disease, do I want to be having this worry for the rest of my life. I have banned alcohol & cigarettes from the house but I feel like this is ridiculous & am in a Mother type role.  

He also seems to have anger issues & is extremely impatient. He says things to get a reaction & can become nasty if he doesnt like my opinion on something. Such as trying to control my spending already. On the other side of the coin, he is very charming & attentive towards me in other situations.

I think all I can do is give it a few months & then if things don't improve to move on.

You are right, he seems to be a loner, not many friends & becomes very communicative after a drink. Before that he seems pretty detached.

Thanks for your time.  

Answer
Hello GM,

I am glad that my answer was of some help and an eye opener too.  One other thing is that when you mentioned about anger, remember, alcoholics are very angry people because of their insecurities and low self-esteem.  They also try to control people, places, & personalities around them.  And also, stress has been implicated in the development of substance dependence possibly as a consequence of maladaptive coping behavior.

Be positive & pray.  Prayer goes a long way & gives you a lot of inner strength to cope with life's difficulties.  The following Serenity Prayer is one of the most effective prayer both in difficult & happier times:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference".

Please feel free to mail me if you have any questions or concerns.  Remember, you have a friend in me.

God bless


Amarnath