Expert: Beverley Glazer - 2/24/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I have been married to my husband 9 yrs. I knew that he drank when we got married but not to what extent.  For the first 4 he was pretty good about just drinking beer, which I could tolerate.  As soon as he thought he could and still can he turns to the hard liquor trying to make up for lost time is what I call it.  Five years ago he started working away from home and started using as well as the hard liquor.  I have file for divorce twice he has talked me out of it both times saying that he will change.  For the most part I think he has quit using but is still drinking like a fish.  I have joined al-anon and started one in our hometown, they recommend that I not make any drastic decisions for a year.  I sometimes feel like I am prolonging the agony.  I love him very much, I am really tired of being blamed for everything.  He has ruined so many relationships, all their fault of course.  He sleeps constantly has no association with family events or communication with us except he's hungry and how give out he is.  Should I keep hanging on or cut off all communication.  He is using money to control me in our divorce, he won't sign the papers but agreed to pay me a weekly amount as long as he pays me I am to let him have communication with our children 7&8 when he doesn't keep his commitment I am not supposed to let have contact with the kids.  I don't like using the kids, when things are good he don't ever ask to talk to the kids only when we are on the outs. He worries me with the drinking and driving I have turned him into the law but they wouldn't stop him. Should I just continue working my program and go on what to do

ANSWER: Hi Julie,

It seems that you're doing all the right things. Continue going to Al Anon meetings, but this is also a co-dependent relationship.

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html

Because of this relationship, he feels he's in control and that you won't leave. Speak to a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are as far as your kids are concerned. He may not have an option about paying you.

Use your time to find a part time job so you're not completely financially dependent. This will not only empower you, but it will be threatening for him.

To make sure you won't leave, he may decide that he has to do something about his drinking, and that would be the first step to breaking his denial.

Hope this is helpful,

Thanks for asking All Experts,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Bev,
Thanks for answering me I September I got a full time job with benefits I have been reading Melodie Beatties books codependent no more  and beyond.  I have talked to an attorney but my husband won't sign anything to give me legal support.  He is now threatening to take what little bit he gives me away as a manipulation tactic on his part what he doesn't realize is the agreement with the attorneys was if I didn't get the money he don't have any contact with his kids. That is the next step I am taking I don't like using the kids as barter tools I don't know what other options I have at this point.  would it be good to cut off all communication with him?  I have already moved all of his stuff out of our home and it is in a trailer in the yard, I have been contemplating moving that off the property also. I feel I need to take another drastic step he is still thinks he is in control and plus the denial don't help anything either.  Do you have anymore input as far detaching should I continue with the divorce or wait another 6 months like al anon suggests?
Thank You for your time.
Julie

Answer
Hi Julie,

I think it's great that you made all those changes.

According to the law, he has to give you money for the kids. This is his responsibility. He's using money to blackmail you. Don't let him do it. When you look at the big picture, what kind of Dad would he be anyway? Unless he shapes up, there's no reason for him to keep contact with the kids - and they should know the reason why. He is not a responsible parent.

Tell him you've spoken to an attorney. Tell him for the sake of the kids you're allowing him to shape up and take responsibility for drinking, but he better do it now, because you're not waiting around.

Do the research for him:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-abuse.html

There's a link to the official AA website. Find meeting in your area, and tell him where & when etc.

Stand very firm. Tell him he has no other option - either he stops his drinking or you're moving on.

To answer the questions of whether or not you should wait for 6 months. See if he'll make changes - he'll be angry, manipulate, be nice, you name it. The answer to all that is AA or else.  If he goes to AA, keep him out and see how long he keeps it up - this should take longer than 6 months.  He should also have communication with the kids.

If nothing changes at all, start proceedings.

Both you and the kids will be better off in the long run.

Hang in there,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com