Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 2/10/2009

Question
I feel like my question is endless! I'll try to make it simple. I am married to a man that I love and respect... when he is sober! His best friend of 20 plus years said it perfectly: You are the most amazing man I know when you are sober. When you are drinking: you ARE Jeckel & Hyde! It is so true. I will not play the "poor me card". I knew what I was getting in to. I CHOSE to "believe" it would get better. What the "hell" is wrong with me?! I am an intelligent woman, with an education... and KNOW wright from wrong! I knew my husband was ill, and yet I chose to blend this with what I would call "my own illness". I always seem to chose somebody that "needs" me! I know this, yet do NOT understand "why" I actually do it!??? At this point I just want to know what I should do? We are in a world of hurt economically, physically we are both doing poorly. Mentally and emotionally we are a "wreck"! I want to help him with support, but I am unsure "how to do it"? I think I am strong enough to handle my hurt and pain from all of this, but how do I approach him in a way that is unconfrontational? I feel like he will NEVER stop drinking, but at the same time... I feel like he will NEVER stop. He has told me that he is an alcoholic, but is UNWILLING to stop now, that he is not ready! I drink too, and I am a little scared that I MIGHT NOT want to quit by the time this is all over... if you have any words of wisdom... I would be greatly appreciative!
Thank you!

Answer
Greetings to you, Shannon.

First, please understand I do my best to try to help others get down to root “causes and conditions” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 64).  Other folks might offer some kind of philosophical or situation-management approach when someone asks for help, but those kinds of things would never have brought about my own recovery from our inherent human condition – powerlessness – as addressed in the original experience shared in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book.

You have written:

>> I knew what I was getting in to.
>> I CHOSE to "believe" it would get better.

Yes, you saw the possibility for trouble ahead, and yes, you chose to believe it would get better ... and actually, you might yet prove to be correct.  However, and as you likely already suspect, your present approach to life or manner of living is not going to get you to where you had hoped to go ... correct?

>> What the "hell" is wrong with me?!

Other than being human, possibly nothing at all.  However, you might not yet understand this simple fact (in the form of a question) about all of us:

“Is s/he not a victim of the delusion s/he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if s/he only manages well?” (page 61)

Alcoholic or not, it is a hard fact that no human being is capable of managing his or her own life (or the life of anyone else) into “happy, joyous and free” (page 133).

>> I am an intelligent woman, with an education...

There is nothing wrong or bad about that ...

>> ... and KNOW right from wrong!

Certainly.

>> I knew my husband was ill, and yet I chose to blend this with what I would call "my own illness".
>> I always seem to chose somebody that "needs" me!
>> I know this, yet do NOT understand "why" I actually do it!???

You have a natural instinct and desire to be caring, loving and helpful, and you consciously look for opportunities to live that way ... yet you ultimately find yourself unable to bring about the true happiness you want everyone, including yourself, to actually experience.

>> At this point I just want to know what I should do?

From my own personal experience, I can only suggest joining others of us in “the Fellowship of the Spirit” by taking the Twelve Steps straight-and-only from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book.

>> We are in a world of hurt economically; physically we are both doing poorly.

Taking the Steps does not guarantee those kinds of problems will disappear and never return, but today I am far more able to face and deal with the challenges and even the disappointments in life in whatever ways such things might come.

>> Mentally and emotionally we are a "wreck"!

Sure, and my wife and I were no different nearly 25 years ago.

>> I want to help him with support, but I am unsure "how to do it"?

Supporting what?  In reality, his own personal failure in life is just as sure as yours and mine, and he will ultimately arrive there without ever having needed any help to arrive.

>> I think I am strong enough to handle my hurt and pain from all of this, but how do I approach him in a way that is non-confrontational?

First read the chapter “To Wives” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, then continue on by reading the remainder of that book while slowly learning to make your best efforts at also actually doing what is in it.  Your husband might or might not ever respond in a positive way, but you will be better off overall and he will have had his opportunity to permanently recover from chronic alcoholism.

>> I feel like he will NEVER stop drinking, but at the same time... I feel like he will NEVER stop.

His present course might eventually lead him to a *desire* to stop, and his drinking ultimately will be stopped for him if he can and will do the things required.

>> He has told me that he is an alcoholic, but is UNWILLING to stop now, that he is not ready!

The only way for an alcoholic to ever get to a place where he or she actually *wants* to stop is by drinking ... or I suppose you could say it is by drinking that an alcoholic might eventually become *willing* to stop after his or her pain and suffering ultimately make him or her “ready” to accept spiritual help.

>> I drink too, and I am a little scared that I MIGHT NOT want to quit by the time this is all over...

Drinking or not drinking is not really the issue here.  Rather, the question is more about whether or not you like your life as it presently is and/or where it is presently headed.  Personally, I lived life on my own terms for just as long as I could stand doing so, and I began looking for help more because I wanted to learn how to live at all than just about how to live without drinking.

>> if you have any words of wisdom... I would be greatly appreciative!
>> Thank you!

Wisdom is dependent upon perspective, and the change in my own life began not long after I consciously began trying to see and know myself as I am seen and known.  So, and in looking back, I would now say it is wise for anyone and everyone to do the same by taking the Twelve Steps straight from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book ... but of course, and as Erma Bombeck once said: "Many are called, but few get up!"

Please know you are always welcomed to write, and that I will try to help in any way I possibly can.

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com