Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 2/7/2009

Question
QUESTION: In writing to you, I am truly breaking one of my "protection barrier" rules.  I guess you can say I am what I've read about in some of your questions as the "enabler" in this situation.  I would first like to take a look at that title as being first the "protector" because his childhood was less than desirable, second the "supporter" to help him build self-esteem, third the "survivor" to try to live this life I've made for myself.  Because I'll tell you...I never meant to live this life that I'm in and I've learned to float to save the lives of myself and my three sons.  I too used to be fun, loving, tolerant, patient.  Actually, I did my best to abide by 1-Corinthians:13 6-7 and the "Power Of Empathy"...I'll tell you...I'm exhausted.  I'm no longer in like with my alcoholic husband.  In trying to daily survive in this home we've built on literal blood, sweat and tears.  My husband has never laid a hand on me, but he did on my oldest son when my son decided enough was enough one unpleasant evening.  My son got the better of him physically, but he got the better of my son emotionally and I WILL never allow someone to tell me that I've enabled my husband to be this way.  Am I an enabler because I've stayed in this situation? Am I an enabler because I allowed my children to be born into an alcoholic home?  My husband would die if I left him.  I've held him together since I was 14 years old.  Thirty years.  Twenty-three of them married thus far.  Of course this problem didn't suddenly appear after we were married.  I had to become the "serious" down to business end of our marriage and he became the "closet drinker" because I had enough of it.  He wasn't changing.  I couldn't stop him.  I tried talking to his friends and they laughed at me telling me that I was "getting old".  My husband almost died at the age of 30 with alcohol induced hepatitis.  One week in the hospital scared him into sobriety for 5 years. Suddenly a new doctor gave him the bill of health and led him to believe that there wasn't anything wrong with his liver.  However, this doctor had no idea my husband was an alcoholic.  He had a routine check-up...routine blood work.  He told my husband he was 100% healthy.

That was an invitation for my husband to forget he almost died from alcohol.  Simultaneously, I became pregnant with our third son and found a case of beer in my husband's car trunk.  I did the typical, grab the beer...open each can and pour it out and had the empty cans of beer in a bag for him to see.  I was so completely devastated.  I wonder if he was.  

That was 10 years ago.  We've gone through many years of frustration, fighting, avoiding, tolerating. "ENABLING"? I DON'T THINK SO.  I married for better or for worse.  Where's the better in an alcoholic marriage?  My sons are constantly put down.  I'm constantly defending them to the point that anything my husband says now is WRONG in my eyes.  How do I stop this?  How do I fix this?  My oldest is 18.  He has lived and dealt with this emotional rollercoaster of illness, sobriety, and now just plain sickening behavior.  Have you ever had anyone make it out of this situation?  

I do have a career of 25 years in the medical field. I do souly take my younger two sons to church weekly and I am involved with the youth ministry.  I am careful to choose which sports activities that I can get them to as I cannot trust my husband to be sober enough to follow through.  Even that statement I just made...(sober enough)....he should be COMPLETELY sober to transport my children.  

Oh, I find beer hidden in the bathroom closet under towels for when he's bathing for 45 minutes.  Usually enough time for 2-3 beers.  I've found beer under our bed, under the couch, in his car, outside around the corner of the house, in his dresser, hidden behind the drawer pull-outs in the bathroom vanity.  I'll find empty cans in my closet under a stack of clothes, or actually just about anywhere after he's completely lit and has no clue as to what he's doing.  I'll find empty 16 oz. bottles of coke, which with a simple smell will tell you that there were added contents.

Currently, my 18 year old despises the thought of drinking alcohol.  I talk to my sons about the genetic possibilities of them becoming alcoholics as their paternal grandmother is an alcoholic and their paternal aunt is an alcoholic.  To me, it's like playing Russian Roulette.  Take a drink, take a chance.  I explain that their father started drinking at an early age to become his mother's drinking partner.  I explained that if they at least wait until the age of 21, they'll be smarter, more mature, wiser to the issues caused by alcoholism.  That's all I can do, isn't it?  Is talking to them about their father's alcoholism disrespect to my husband?  I'm tired of trying to respect him in that way.

I'm not really sure what my question is here.  I just thank you for allowing me to talk.
Sincerely,
Dawn



ANSWER: Greetings to you, Dawn, and I hear your determined endurance

You have written:

>> I guess you can say I am what I've read about in some of your questions as the "enabler" in this situation ...
>> I never meant to live this life I'm in and I've learned to float to save the lives of myself and my three sons ...
>> ... and I WILL never allow someone to tell me that I've enabled my husband to be this way.

I would not call you an enabler.  An enabler is someone who protects the alcoholic from the consequences of his or her own actions, and I do not see where you have done that.

>> Am I an enabler because I've stayed in this situation?
>> ... My husband would die if I left him.

There is one place some folks might say you are enabling him ... but I only caution you to think carefully there.  My former mother-in-law remained with her drunken, alcoholic husband until his liver ultimately failed and he died, but not because she thought he would die if she were not around.  

>> I've held him together since I was 14 years old ...
>> I had to become the "serious" down to business end of our marriage ...
>> Am I an enabler because I allowed my children to be born into an alcoholic home?

No, but I would like to know more about your circumstances at age 14 and about why you were so committed to him (or possibly even feeling obligated) at such an early age.

>> I married for better or for worse.
>> Where's the better in an alcoholic marriage?

There often is none.

>> My sons are constantly put down.
>> I'm constantly defending them to the point that anything my husband says now is WRONG in my eyes.
>> How do I stop this?  How do I fix this?
>> Have you ever had anyone make it out of this situation?

Let your sons know there are alternatives ... possibly like going to live with trustworthy relatives or friends.

>> ... he should be COMPLETELY sober to transport my children.

Yes, absolutely, and you should immediately call the police the next time he is not.

>> I talk to my sons about the genetic possibilities of them becoming alcoholics ...
>> To me, it's like playing Russian Roulette.  Take a drink, take a chance.

Yes, to a point, but the predisposition to drink at all is the alcoholic’s real problem.  Morals and convictions can be good, but your sons need far more than mere morals and convictions.  With the matter of drinking set aside, both you and your sons need to learn about and come to understand an alcoholic’s underlying causes and conditions ... and all of that can be learned through “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book.

>> I explain that their father started drinking at an early age to become his mother's drinking partner.

That says something about your mother-in-law, but nothing at all about your husband.

>> I explained that if they at least wait until the age of 21, they'll be smarter, more mature, wiser to the issues caused by alcoholism ...

Maybe so, but that will not make any difference at all if they are predisposed.

>> That's all I can do, isn't it?

No, not at all.  Once again: You and your sons need to know and understand the causes and conditions behind all human struggles ... and if your sons are willing and able to accept and admit those things as also being true about themselves, maybe they can be spared your and your husband’s own years of suffering and misery.

>> Is talking to them about their father's alcoholism disrespect to my husband?

No, not any more than it would be if he had a terminal cancer of any other kind.

>> I'm tired of trying to respect him in that way.

It is good that you want your sons to have a respectable father and for them to respect him, but there is nothing to be gained by in any way pretending things are any different than they truly are.

>> I'm not really sure what my question is here ...

You are wondering what might yet be ahead for your family ...

... and please know you are always welcomed to write.

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: You asked about why I've held him together since age 14.  Well, He needed me.  We were neighbors.  Knew each other since we were very young.  Our parents were friends until my parents became exhausted with dealing with his alcoholic mother.  We stayed friends.  It was a rough neighborhood.  Made of drugs, rape, bank robbers...literally.  Strange, ha? In the middle of small town, PA.  My husband was very susceptible to it all.  I was the youngest of five in a fairly strict upbringing and he was the oldest of three with no parental guidance whatsoever.  I helped him care for his younger siblings.  We stuck it out.  He did, however fall into the binges with his mother.  It was fun to him...an outlet I guess you could say.  My first alcoholic beverage was in his kitchen with he and his mother.  I was 14, but I didn't seem to catch the buzz bug.  I was there to pick up the pieces usually way back then.  We kind of made a pact to stick together and protect each other.
He's a glass half empty person.  Very pessimistic, obsessive compulsive to the maximum.  The ritual of checking each burner...each light switch, each door., each appliance....not once, but twice before we'd leave to go for a one hour shopping trip.  Our Pastor told us during our pre-marital classes that we were complete opposites.  It would either be trouble or would work well as I would bring him up and he would bring me down.  Of course, I opted for the "work well" theory.  

Just before our wedding, he got his D.U.I at the age of 23.  I was at work and got the call that he was in jail.  I provided the transportation to and from the classes he was sentenced to attend.  He was on probation and had to get permission to drive us out of state for our honeymoon.

It was then that I became aware that it was a serious issue.  We were in trouble.  We had the home that all our friends wanted to come to.  We never did drugs.  Nothing at all.  (Just....BEER).  Like it was never supposed to hurt.  When I put a stop to the constant uninvited parties, I was the bad guy.  Still am.  No one gets it.  We lost allot of friends over that.  I was ready to grow up and have children.  I had allot of dreams.  Believe me...my husband and I have worked extremely hard to get our little home and build our fence of protection around our yard.  We have great neighbors.  They drink allot.  They are the typical full of fun party havers.  They are the "house" we used to be... that everyone gathers at.  That's okay.  They can have it.  I don't ever want to be that again.  

I've actually gone through a stage of resentment towards my husband in that.  We could have had so much fun.  Why did he have to be an alcoholic?  Ya know?  Not everyone is.  People party, through business.  My work place has parties...I avoid them.  It's sad.

When I tell you that my husband would die if I left him ...I mean it.  He'd drink himself to death or he'd end his life.  He has threatened in so many words.  His father never appreciated him.  Put him down just as he puts down his own sons.  It's a domino effect.

I don't know.  I stay because I don't want him to be let down I guess.  He always points out the divorce rate and the ill morals of everyone and everything. How can you be drunk and have high moral standards putting everyone else down when he's not perfect.  He's quick to do that when he's lit.

He's a well-meaning father.  He does all the grocery shopping.  He insists on being in complete control of the finances so that he can be sure to have beer, yet complain because my son wants a certain kind of juice.  He has a hard time dealing with the fact that my income is the main income of the family....yet he cannot work for anyone else.  He has his own garage, he is his own boss and he drinks from noon till he falls asleep by 7:00 PM.  Unless he decides he's going to want intimacy, which is just not happening these days.  I just can't.  I avoid it most often times.  I actually become relieved when I hear him snoring now.  I can stay, keep the calm...continue walking on egg shells, keep on keeping on.  That's all.  I have friends in the same situation.  Believe it or not...two have three sons as I do...the other has two sons.  One is an alcoholic herself.  We talk all the time.  You should hear the gripe sessions we all have together.  It doesn't help.  I'm always a little worse off after they leave because I become more bitter to the fact that we have to deal with this.  It makes me think that we all make it easier for all of us to stay in the situations we are in.  Like it's some kind of normal.

I spoke to one of them today and told her of writing to you and that I am going to check out Ala-non.  She is very interested and wants to meet with me and possibly go in private with me to check it out.  Her husband is the "never come home" drinking man.

How can I convince my husband to try AA?  I've done the threats you've told me not to.  I've done the silent treatment.  Now I'm down to the complete avoidance.

Thank you for listening and providing these testimonies to us.  

Answer
Greetings again, Dawn.

I can definitely understand your “kind of a pact to stick together and protect each other”, and maybe there is where your husband might yet be reachable.  Do you recall the hopes and dreams of his childhood and youth?

You have written:

>> I had a lot of dreams.

How many of them have you and he ever held in common?

>> We could have had so much fun.  Why did he have to be an alcoholic?

Your troubles, your husband’s, all of my own and everyone else’s all tie back to Adam’s self-will and disobedience, and any other man would have done the same in his place ... including later blaming his wife.  I cannot trace everything back and explain all those connections in fine detail, but I do know there is healing available in conjunction with spiritual reconciliation and transformation at this end of things.

>> His father never appreciated him ...

Same here ... and do you think your husband might possibly realize the damage now being done to his own children?  He is not presently capable of being any different, of course, but it could be helpful to know he is at least aware.

>> He always points out the divorce rate and the ill morals of everyone and everything.  How can you be drunk and have high moral standards putting everyone else down when he's not perfect.  He's quick to do that when he's lit.

In his mind, his own actions are justified in many ways ... but the bottom line is that he wants all things to be right ... and the challenge here is to try to find a way to let him know that is actually possible as long as no human being is calling the shots.

>> I have friends in the same situation ...
>> We talk all the time ...
>> It makes me think that we all make it easier for all of us to stay in the situations we are in.  Like it's some kind of normal.

Yes, that is a danger ...

>> I spoke to one of them today and told her of writing to you and that I am going to check out Ala-non.  She is very interested and wants to meet with me and possibly go in private with me to check it out.

That could be good, but be careful there.  Whatever you do, let “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, become your clearing house or point of reference for all information.  Much of today’s AA and Al-Anon are far removed from the common experience shared in that book.

>> How can I convince my husband to try AA?

You cannot, and neither can anyone else.  What you can do, however, is to learn about alcoholism and your husband’s underlying difficulties while learning to watch for opportunities to eventually try to be helpful to him.

Please remember you are always welcomed to write.

Joseph Lee O.