Expert: Amarnath.B - 2/19/2009

Question
I was with a man for a year and a half. When we first got together, he lost 30 lbs. rather quickly, I know now that it was because he stopped drinking when he was with me. He had spent 7 years in his last relationship. drinking beer wtih his ex every night after work. I just found all this out, no one told me while I was in the relationship. His ex also smokes marijuana every day. In a year and a half, I saw some up and down behaviors, things that just didn't make sense to me at the time. I thought midlfe crisis, job stress, I don't know, he's 51 and seemed fairly stable. Towards the end of our relationship,I drank an occasional glass of wine 2-3 times a week, no more than about 4 oz, I'd come home and he'd already be drinking some. Then one day I came home and he was gone,2 days later he had his ex moved in with him, and he wont talk to me. We were to be married in 3 months. No explination, won't take my calls. Just the week before he was telling me "what a lucky man he was." I'm still close to his 18 year old daughter, she says every time she sees him, he's drinking and smells like alcohol. The ex is right there doing it with him. I didn't realize he had a drinking problem, am now wondering how he managed to stay sober for a year and a half, I was thiking he was mildly sociopathic. I'm confused, hurt , and scared. How do I know what to loook for if someone is not using? This man keeps a very steady responsable job, and was quite charming and wonderful. I just don't know what to think.

Answer
Hello Carrie,

Thank you for your question.  It is not surprising for a normal person to go through what you have described, when one gets into a relationship with a person who has a drinking problem.  I would say you could count yourself lucky enough to come out of it in the early stages of your relationship because you could have got entrapped in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship later on. A terrible loop which would have left you more hurt emotionally, even physically.

The man in question would have stopped drinking for over a year or so but his traits or character would still have been of an alcoholic minus the alcohol.  This period of abstinence is too early for an addict to change into a near normal person unless he believes and practices a spiritual kind of life for example the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) steps of recovery.  Most people who stop drinking for one reason or the other still carry all the characteristics of an alcoholic like anger, resentments, being uncomfortable with oneself, loneliness, lying, impatience, overreaction etc.  The list goes on and on.  This is called ‘Dry Drunk’ syndrome. He probably wanted a crutch, an emotional crutch to lean on, so that’s why he got into a relationship with you.  But deep inside him he was not comfortable.  He still wanted his alcoholic life back.  So when he found his ex back, he simply dumped you.  This is a common trait of an alcoholic.  They tend to use people emotionally and also otherwise like physically because deep inside alcoholics are a lonely lot.  They need reassurances in their lives for their insecurities and fear which will always be there even if they stop drinking.  Alcoholism is a progressive disease.  It progresses even after you actually stop drinking.  The only way to lead a sober life is not just by abstinence but also sobriety in thoughts, words, and deeds.

Count yourself lucky this time.  Look out for these traits in a person the next time you get into a relationship with a person who has an alcoholic background:  
•Grandiose behavior
•Pomposity
•Exaggerated self-importance
•A rigidly judgmental outlook
•Impatience
•Childish behavior
•Irresponsible behavior
•Irrational rationalization
•Projection
•Overreaction

A person who has more than 3 years of abstinence under his belt coupled with a desire to change and leading an unselfish life will not project the above named behaviors.  You can find such people who are members groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and who lead a spiritual (not religious) life.  Nevertheless Carrie, do not jump into any relationship until you know the full background of a person.  Look out for abnormal characteristics in people which make you uncomfortable.  Keep in touch with me and mail me back if you have any questions or concerns any time.


God bless.



Amarnath