Expert: Druideck - 2/13/2009

Question
Hello. I have been dating an alcoholic for 6 years. Things have been up and down. I have kicked him out. He has gone to rehab and stayed in a halfway house. But, he always ends up drinking again. I know I am codependent, I just don't know how to let go. He is such a great person and I know he has so much to offer, I just wish he wouldn't do this to himself. I know in my heart that I have done all I can do and endured all I can endure, but after being with me for so long he knows exactly what to say to keep me around. I'm so afraid that if I leave him he will die, but at the same time if I don't he won't hit his bottom before I lose more of myself and my own dreams for the future. How do I let him go?

Answer
Laura,

Being a codependent is a bit
like being an alcoholic in that
the patterns of behaviour are
addicting. The same way he is
always drawn back to alcohol
you are drawn to him.

Of course this is very unhealthy
and could result in your destruction
as well as his.

You must treat yourself the same
way you expect him to in regards
to his addiction to alcohol.

You have to think of him as
being the substance you are
addicted to and need to be free of
in order to survive.

How do you get free of alcohol
or an addictive relationship?
You give up all the excuses
to make contact with the
object of your addiction.

You attend Al-Anon or
co-dependence anon meetings
if possible.

You surround yourself with
supportive people with
similar problems.
You stay close to any
supportive friends or family.

You work on your own self image
to realize you can be whole
without him or any man if need be.

You give up the idea that you can
fix or control his alcoholism.
No one can predict or decide if he will
choose recovery except himself.

He may only hit bottom without you
around as codependents are usually
part of the pattern he needs to break.
He has to learn self-responsibility
and to give up dependence on you
or alcohol.

If you fall for his impassioned plea
to resume your involvement with him
he will still keep drinking and you
will keep feeling bad because
neither of you are recovering.

Recovering is not always about doing something,
sometimes it just means be still
and let life take it's intended course.
We learn to give up controlling everything
and everyone. This sets us free to be
who we are and go from there.

I suggest a book by Robin Norwood,
"Women who love too much"
This is the best book I know on recovery
from toxic relationships.
Also "Letters from Women who love too much"
They should be available on eBay or Amazon online.

Take care!