Expert: Amarnath.B - 2/26/2009

Question
Hi, After reading your responses to other questions I decided I liked your no nonsence approach to alcoholics and thier addiction.  I have been married for 24 years to a functioning alcoholic and decided a year ago after my youngest moved out that I was done!  My husband is 44 years old and I speculate that within the next 10 years he will be either be non-functioning or dead.  We have been over all the senarios over the years with exception of 1...that he take responsiblility for his own drinking by seeking help outside of himself on his own.  One of the things He has wanted me to do many times in the past is be accountable to me for his drinking...I HAVE ALWAYS SAID NO!...YOU MUST GET HELP ON YOUR OWN FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU WANT A BETTER LIFE SOBER...Not that I have not supported his attempts to get help...for his OCD, and anxiety...ie: go to doctor...seek help at classes for OCD etc...but always him wanting me to be their with him...which is fine, I wanted to support him and work towards helping him and making our marriage better.   What I have come to understand a year ago (after finding hidden alcohol) was that all I am doing is enabling him.  He says he wants to be left alone and that if he is left alone that he will stop drinking...yeah right!  My problem is, that He won't leave our home that is on the market and I am a bit afraid to leave for fear of what he might do...he is one of those that has pent up rage and I am actually afraid that he might snap and hurt or kill me...he has never hurt me before, but in the 24 years we have been married I haven't seen the kind of rage he has had in the last year.  I am trying to avoid the drama...and then also, on the selfish side, what he might do to the one asset I stand to get a little something from to start my life over...my home.  Do I risk it all...he will get half the equity so that might keep him from doing anything crazy to our home...but he has started to binge drink which is even scarier.  I suppose thier is just no way to avoid the drama.

Answer
Hello Judy,

Thank you for your question, and sorry for the delay in replying for the same.

I might have a no-nonsense approach to an alcoholic but paradoxically my heart goes out to these sufferers.  No one wants to be an alcoholic.  No one ever wants to be afflicted by mental illness.  It is not their choice.  An alcoholic is not responsible for his disease but he sure is responsible for his recovery.

At the outset, let’s just look at a person with dual diagnosis of OCD and alcoholism. Many people with OCD insist on trying to lead as normal lives as possible. Drinking alcohol is a normal part of life for many people, but, there are some dangers that must be considered by OCD sufferers. During the actual consumption alcohol actually helps some people to forget about their OCD and greatly reduces their anxiety. However during the post consumption phase, especially the following day, the OCD can return with greater intensity. Not everyone realizes that alcohol has a depressant effect upon the brain. Although alcohol enters the bloodstream within a few minutes its effects last for several hours. Alcohol may end up becoming a ‘crutch’ for the OCD sufferer which can lead to further problems in addition to the OCD. The general consensus appears to be that most sufferers find that the short term relaxation effect of significant alcohol is rather outweighed by the ‘rebound effect’ the following day. Some sufferers have indicated that alcohol has the ability to convert a relatively mild form of OCD into one involving instances of "utter terror".

Both these issues vis-à-vis the OCD and drinking must be addressed separately by the physician or whoever is treating the patient.  A person with both alcoholism and underlying mental illness does have hope.  Leading a sober & spiritual life with the help of AA, and taking proper medication/counseling for OCD/anxiety disorder etc. millions have been leading a happy and fruitful life.

Judy, you as a co-dependent play a very important role in your husband’s life.  Detaching yourself completely from his alcoholic life, you can still help him by giving moral support.  It seems difficult in the beginning, but taking a positive approach in the relationship goes a long way.  You being a passive partner have got affected by your husband’s alcoholism and his alcoholic behavior.  In fact, you will also project the same traits of an alcoholic because you’ve lived with one for a long time.

I had to give the above explanation to address the main issue....your fears that your husband might do something in a fit of rage.  Yes he might, because of his dual disorders.  You can either detach yourself completely by totally ignoring him, or staying separately for sometime,  or use a positive approach to deal with this rather precarious situation.  Change your attitude towards him.  Do not act out.  Try to explore new areas to keep him happy.  If you get a chance, impress upon him how beautiful life will be if he becomes sober and how, along with your daughter you all could lead a happy and peaceful life.  I know this is a very long shot but it can work.  Be patient and show your love towards him as though nothing has ever happened.  You can do this without enabling him.  Take a shot at Al-Anon (a self-help group of families, friends, and wives of alcoholics).  Here, in these meetings you will find people who have gone through or are still in a situation like yours.  You can find hope and strength by attending these meetings. You can also suggest AA to your husband but only if he has a desire to stop drinking.  But, your positive attitude will go a long way in reducing the volatility in your relationship.  The bottom line is to avoid a showdown/conflict where one of you might get hurt either physically or emotionally, or both.  If you back out and soften up, the chances are that everything may end peacefully.  

I can’t tell you how important the process of daily prayer can be. Not only does it bring you closer to God but it will also get you into the habit of going to God with your life challenges. God does hear your cries of pain and He will give you the answers you need to get through your trials and tribulations, even if your spouse continues to drink. Be patient and remain faithful in the Lord and He will deliver you from your suffering.

Do not ever lose hope Judy.  If you have a positive approach, live life on life's own terms, have faith in God, the so called 'Drama' will never happen.  Everything will end peacefully if you have faith. I wish you and your family the best.  Do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.  


God bless


Amarnath