Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/17/2009

Question
I wonder Beverley if you would please take the time to help me as I am in a really bad place and need your help regarding my partner of six years...

I met my partner about 8 years ago when I was working in his local bar as a barmaid.. we hit it off and ended up moving in together everything was perfect (as I thought) but last January I found several empty bottles of vodka/whiskey hidden under the decking, and a half full bottle of wine in the garden shed, I challenged my partner about this and he denied all knowledge, I had no reason to doubt him so I dismissed it.. however I started to notice bottles of wine from the wine rack go missing and because I had already found the empty bottles in the yard I became suspicious, it was then that I started to watch him more closely, and it became evident that he was drinking secretly in the garden/bedroom/bathroom anywhere that he thought he could hide from me, needless to say this has caused many arguments and I have thrown him out a few times... he comes back and promises me that he'll stop, makes excuse that he was stressed because of work (he is a firefighter)or he couldn't sleep, that he is sick or I am nagging him, he has made more excuses than enough.. and because I loved him so much I know that I want to believe him even though I know deep down that he is lying that I always forgive him and take him back.. he has phoned me from his work and I know he was drinking he once even asked me to bring him up drink to his work (I refused) he has asked his son and daughter to bring him up drink to his work and they did so.. he has driven the car before whilst drunk, and lately he has taken to using clove oil to disguise the smell. I even caught him once drinking at 7.30am although I'm sure that this is a regular occurrence. He has asked me to help him and support him next week as he has an appointment with a local addicts group, we are not together at the moment as I have children and need to put them first I don't want them thinking this is in any way acceptable or normal in any way.
He has promised me on many occasions that he will at least try to stop but has never really made that much of an effort.. however I am not an addict so I don't understand the severity of the "drying out symptoms" although I have witnessed him having terribles spasms and sweats, vomiting and shaking, as I said we are not together at the moment but just tonight I received a phonecall from a neighbour who told me she saw him on saturday pacing up and down near my house and that three times she witnessed him take a half bottle of vodka from his coat pocket and drink from it!!!
My question to you is do you think that I should forget him and let him deal with this on his own with the support of his adult children.. or should I attend the clinic with him and hope that he really means it this time, I am so at loss of as what to do I'd feel bad at just walking away but there are only so many times that I can be lied to, he is such a good father and partner in every other way he is kind and generous and loving it's so sad that the alchohol seem s to have gotten the better of him. Please help me, by giving me your opinion.


Regards Karen.

Answer
Hi Karen,

It sounds like your partner of 8 yrs has a severe alcohol problem. Not only was he hiding alcohol, but because he has the shakes, etc. he can't and shouldn't stop drinking on his own. He should be in a medical detox - where he will be monitored. He would have to stay there approx. 1 -2 weeks depending on their program and then go into treatment once his body is detoxed.

His adult children should know what's going on. If he's going to the clinic for addiction counseling, go with him - but only to tell the clinician your side of the story. Tell them about hiding bottles, his promises, and definitely about the alcohol withdrawal (shakes etc.). Also tell them about being seen stocking your home and secretly drinking vodka. Ask them to recommend a medical detox. Tell him that if he goes into detox, he may have a chance of getting his family back, but right now he doesn't. Pressure him - no detox, no family.

It would be impossible to 'forget' this man, but not impossible to get the strength not to be manipulated by him. You are in a codependent relationship with this man. Check out:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html

This is very common when you're in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Stand firm - but it's not easy. Keep your focus on the kids, not him.

Hope this info helps you.

Thanks for contacting All Experts

Let me know if you need more info,

Best of luck!!

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com