Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 3/27/2009

Question
QUESTION: My dad (age 62) has had a series of events (work demotion, death of his little sister, wife started retirement, hospitalization for health problems) in the last 5 years that has left him angry and depressed. He has been drinking, hiding bottles, driving, watching my sister's kids and driving them aorund for about 2 years-we think. He confessed to having a problem once after getting drunk and breaking something materialistic while falling. He goes to AA-because mom goes to the support group same time and place. He has never once said he was an alcoholic to us or in his meetings (he says). He is depressed and refuses to talk to his doctor, refuses to admit he has a drinking problem and continues to hide it.
But he works full time, never raises his voice or a finger to mom, us adult kids or the grandkids. My sister wants to fix him and has limited her kids time with him. I am not sure there is anything more we can do but love him at this point and go to AA ourselves? Suggestions for this "mid-stage alcoholism?"

ANSWER: Hello K,
First of all, I congratulate you on your knowledge of alcoholism and your determination to not try to control the uncontrollable, an alcoholic who is determined to drink. It sounds also as if your mother is going to Al-Anon, always a good choice for her support and to avoid enabling. I suggest that the rest of the affected family also go to Al-Anon, rather than AA. I do agree with Al-Anon that loved ones are powerless over, and need to detach, from the alcoholic; however, I also think that consequences can help motivate the alcoholic to consider stopping use. So, I suggest not allowing your Dad to keep his drinking a secret and have all of his children and wife together confront him firmly but lovingly, and clearly tell him that he's an alcoholic whose drinking is hurting each one of you, and why, and that you are not fooled by his attempts to conceal the problem. I would also tell him that you are all attending Al-Anon because of the pain his drinking is causing. I suspect that your Dad has rationalized that his drinking is hurting no one but him, when in fact it is hurting all those who love him, and he neeeds to know that! I also suggest that you all consider other ways to bring home to him that his continuing to drink is not OK in your eyes; in other words to put pressure on him about his drinking. I am not sure how to do that, not knowing enough about your family situation. It is clearly a good thing that he is attending AA; he may at some point get the message that AA works a lot better if he stops drinking. By the way, as I am sure you know, alcohol is a CNS depressant and is certainly contributing to your Dad's depression. Good luck to you.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
www.alcoholdrugsos.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Jan for your confirmation and suggestions. We are talking about having a loving but firm confrontation-as you suggest. We are a pretty tight family, and my dad is very proud. I think he will feel angry, ashamed and very, very sad. Do you think a mediator (non-profit-we can't afford a professional) would be helpful? Someone who has experience in mediation or interventions? Or at this point can we "handle" this ourselves?

Answer
Hello K,
I think it would be helpful to have an objective individual with some knowledge of interventions to help you to prepare for the intervention and be there to help facilitate it. It is difficult to keep emotionally involved family members on task, namely, to deliver loving, concrete examples of how the alcoholic's behaviors have hurt them, ask the alcoholic to get help, and perhaps state some consequences they are prepared to carry out if he does not get help. Good luck, and my prayers for success,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com