Expert: Druideck - 3/24/2009

Question
My fiance and I got together just over a year ago and got pregnant just after we got together.  When i got pregnant he started drinking.  He already had a 7 year old daughter with a troubled home.  We had some issues with parenting then but he kept telling me that we would work things out when the issues came up.  He started to drink every day... coming home drunk every night.  We had arranged it so that he would take care of both of us while I was pregnant and being a new mom and then we would get married and I would go back to work.
Troy started finding his beer more important to buy than buying milk for me to drink.  He always had enough food for his daughter who came every other weekend.  I was jealous. She was acting out just like a child would in a troubled home.  She would tell her Dad that there was abusive things happening and when he told CAS they would ignore his concerns which just made him drink more.
I eneded up asking my mom to help me with groceries, clothes and my parents ended up buying me my baby's crib.
I put the crib together while Troy was out drinking.
I told him i wanted him to quit but he never listened to me.
I kept thinking that it would change when the baby was born.
He came to the hospital in my car, with his daughter...drunk.
Then he went to my sisters place and got drunk, yelled at my sister, mother and brother-in-law.  we told him to leave in a cab, gave him the money for it and he took my car.
they went and retrived it while I stayed at my sisters with my brand new baby.
i stayed at my parents over christmas and when the new year came, he told me he would quit drinking.
I went back to him.
its March and we both had to move back to our parents and he wants me to forgive him....i cant seem to
help!

Answer
Heather,

if your fiance is an alcoholic and
it sounds like he is this will
likely go on much longer.
He has not yet come to terms with
his drinking problems.

When someone is addicted to alcohol
their promises are of no use.
He may have had the intension to stop
drinking but without help he cannot.

Alcoholism is not something that
can be overcome by will power and
promises, it doesn't work that way.

He can make deals with you but
you are wasting your time if he
is not actively getting treatment,
counselling or regular AA meetings.
Without these sources of support
he will continue to drink.

Many drinkers go on for years before
hitting a mental and emotional bottom
strong enough to break the denial
that alcohol induces.

If he seeks help and has really had
enough trouble he may recover
but even then relapses can happen.
This is a long road that many spouses
cannot cope with.

He may have many struggles, emotionally,
mentally and spiritually.
He will be a changed man if he seeks
recovery but may not be the man you
knew in the end.

Go ahead, forgive and understand his illness
but do not subject your child to this life
of turmoil. You have to avoid troubled men
and heal your own life to be whole.
I know from years of experience that
you cannot rely on any aggreements
or promises he makes right now.

You can make him promise things but
he will not be able to do them, alcohol
has much more power than that.

Take care