Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 3/7/2009

Question
Hello,
I recently called my Mother-in-law on the carpet for her drinking problem.  It has started affecting my kids.......they no longer want to be with her because she is mean. It has affected her relationship with my husband, since he had to go pick up our kids at her house since she was drunk and was laying on the floor. Where I am stuck is I feel what I needed to do this to protect my family.  I was sick of tip toeing around the "elephant" in the room.  My husbands family sticks their head in the sand, while my family throws everything on the table.  I have lived through an alcoholic father (20 years sober!!!) I experienced his lies so he could keep drinking. He finally went to in-patient treatment.  So it is not like I do not know anything about alcohol addiction.  What I do not know about is how to help my husband.  He seems to want to believe his mother so bad.  I keep telling him you can not believe anything she says right now.  She told us last night that she saw a specialist and that person told her I was mentally ill and that all we do is use her so this person wants her to stop all contact with us.  First of all OH MY GOD!  No one would tell her this on any visit let alone the first one.  She will not tell us the name of this specialist.  I know that she did not see any one but my husband believes that she did.  How do I help him see the light that his mother really really needs help.  And that there is nothing we can really do for her until she really decides to get help.

Answer
Hello Kelly,
I regret that you have to face the pain of alcoholism again, after your experience with your Dad. It is expremely difficult to help a person break through denial that someone he loves is an alcoholic. I think the best approach would be an educational one, that is, to try to educate your husband about alcoholism, rather than directly challenging him about his mother's drinking. There is a lot of information readily available about alcoholism and its effects on those who love the alcoholic. If you can manage it, I would try to get him to go to some Al-Anon meetings with you. Al-Anon is, of course, the 12 Step program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic: check out the Al-Anon website: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ This website has a lot of good information: http://www.gettingthemsober.com/ I am also wondering whether your Dad's relationship with your husband is a trusting one; perhaps he could explain what alcoholism is like from the standpoint of one who hurt his loved ones, including you, due to the power of the disease of alcoholism. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com