Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/16/2009

Question
My husband and I got married on October 10th, 2008 so we have only been married for about 5 months. We were best friends right out of high school and we use to go to the bar together or go out to the country and drink beer at the river. I knew these were things that he liked to do. We lost touch over the years but reunited and began dating. He still had the same interests but he had a full time job and had grown up since then. We married and 2 weeks later he was laid off from his job. He is going to go back to school in August, but until then he is being a house-husband, helping with the chores and kids. He is a wonderful husband, very caring and considerate, and he treats me with the upmost love and respect...when he's not drinking.

Since he got laid off I noticed that he was drinking more, to the point where it was during the day and he would be trashed by 5 pm. All his friends have drinking problems and since I am the voice of reason, I told him he could not go out with them unless I go too, so that I can tell him when to stop and when it's time to go home. He has stayed out all night drinking with his friends because in his opinion he's destressing. He never does it when we have the kids and he's not an angry drunk, he's just excessive. It's taking a toll on our relationship because I'm losing trust for him and I feel more like his mother than his wife. I don't want to put a curfew on him, or other limits, but I didn't know what else to do. And what hurts more is that even when I do put limits and he knows how this hurts me, he still does what he wants and goes out drinking anyway.

I've finally come to the realization that his problem is bigger than me, bigger than I can fix on my own, and bigger than he can fix on his own. He says he realizes that he has a problem but I don't know if he's just saying that to satisfy me and shut me up, or if he really knows that he does have a problem. I honestly don't think he has truly accepted it and without acceptance he will never be able to change it.

He agreed to go to couples counseling with me which is a step in the right direction, I just don't know what to do in the meantime. We are both social people and there is drinking at social occassions: BBQs with the family, dancing with friends, etc. I'm willing to quit drinking to support him but I don't know if he'll stop. I guess I'm just wanting a "cure all" answer and I know you can't give me one. Just point me in the right direction. I love him dearly and don't want to leave him, but I also don't want this to be a constant issue in our marriage. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Answer
Hi Cassi,

You're right. Your husband's drinking problem is bigger than you thought, but no one can get an alcoholic to stop drinking. No nagging, crying, begging, pleading - they'll manipulate your intention and use your behavior to their advantage.

That's what he's doing when he's suggesting counseling for both of you. If you go into counseling it should be addiction counseling not couples counseling. Both of you have a problem because you're in a marriage, but addiction is the route cause, and that has to be addressed - and this is his issue, not yours.

Here is an alcohol self test:

http://www.,untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

When he does it, it may open his eyes to his drinking problem. Tell him that you love him, but the drinking is ruining the marriage. Demand that he do something about it.

Find out what AA meetings are in your area and inform him where they are. He won't want to go, but tell him that he has to get help for the sake of the family.  Right now, he has a love/hate relationship with alcohol, but  demand that he stops - it won't be easy for you, but stay strong.

Hope this is helpful and if you need more information, just let me know.

Thank you for writing All Experts,

Best of luck

Beverley Glazer
http://untwist-your-thinking.com