Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/17/2009

Question
Hello. I have read several questions and I know all the answers but i need
someone professional to tell me in words. I have been in a two year
relationship with a woman who has 2 boys(13 & 8). When I first met her I was
not interested in her because she reeeked alcohol. I rejected her but 3
months later I decided to give her a chance. When i did I still noticed that she
drank a little too much, She would slur her words and get a little agressive
after 2-3 shots of tequila plus 2 glasses of cocktails. When I arrived at her
home I was surprisingly impressed with her beautiful, clean, organized home.
I started allowing myself to see more beyond her drinking problem. While we
were together we had several incidents where she would embarass me in
front of my friends with her harsh and blunt words. She would insult me at
times as well. Almost every day she would drink and hide the fact that she
would. After being in the relationship for 1 year her father dies of a cold, 5
months later her sister dies of an overdose of alcohol and cleaning products
(409) and she inharrets her 13 year old niece. Her business is falling apart
who she shares with her X-husband. We also had a business together where
she was running and that fell apart as well. She then decides to go back to her  
spinning class where she rekindles an X who was an AA'er for 16 years and a
therapist for Aides patients. Next thing I know she starts acting different and
she seems not interested in the relationship anymore. I found out the 16 year
AAer went back to drinking and now they are partying more than ever. She
says she feels for this woman now and she is confused about us. She doesn't
want to let me go but she wants to still hang out with this woman who she
never had the opportunity to be with 5 years ago. She continues to text me
and I don't answer her texts. I want her away from me but there is a part of
me that asks why? I truly thought we were able to over come all this. I
couldn't believe she left me for a woman who is unhealthy. Can't she just see
I have been there for her through thick and thin?
Marta

Answer
Hi Marta,

I think you realize that your girlfriend has an alcohol problem and although all areas of her life seem to be falling apart, she's still in denial.

Alcoholics are very clever in manipulating others so they can keep them in their lives, as well as keep drinking. Now that she's with the alcoholic, they share a drinking relationship. This is more comfortable for her, than being told that she has to cut down or stop, but her drinking will only get worse.

No one can get an alcoholic to stop drinking. She has to be the one to do it, and it doesn't seem she's ready to quit. She doesn't see that you've been there through thick and thin. She's focused on drinking, but she also doesn't want to let you go.

This is not uncommon for alcoholic/addicts. It's also common for them to be in codependent relationships.

This page may help you: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency.html

Don't dwell on the good stuff with this relationship. See it for what it is. It's dysfunctional and you need strength to move on - not easy, but do it!! Good luck.

Thank you for writing All Experts
Hope this info is helpful.
If you need more information, please let me know

Beverley Glazer
http://untwist-your-thinking.com