Expert: Druideck - 3/23/2009

Question
Hi. I am a 30 year old wife and mother of a six year old boy. My husband and I have been married for 6 years but dated 3 years before that. So i have been with him for almost 10 years. About the last 3 years he started drinking so much that he blacks out and wants to fight with everybody, he always embarrassed me and every on that i am with. He is 28 and chemical Engineer and is currently going to get his masters along with his PE license. He has every thing going for him but drinking. In Jan of this year he agreed to attend an out-patient clinic and AA. my life has been hell. All the mental abuse is hurting me so bad that i am always Exhausted. I don't even want to eat anymore. But i was willing to put up with it b/c he had been clean for 2 1/2 moths and i thought that was going to pass. This weekend he went attend a class in Houston for school and decided that going out was ok. Well he drank. I was so upset. I feel so betrayed, disappointed and disguised. B/c all of the mental abuse that me and my 6 yr old son went through was for nothing. And to make things worse when I got home on Sunday he was drunk and doing adderall knowing that he had to work in the morning.

so my question to you is what are my rights with my son when I leave b/c I do not trust my husband alone with him. (I am very scared to leave my child with him.)

Answer
Olivia,

your feelings are undertandable under these
adverse circumstances.
Your husband is a very ill man.
I say ill because many people have
recovered from alcoholism when they
finally accepted they could not drink.
Others go to their deaths never being
able to gain the humility to seek help
seriously.
Your husband may have tried to quit
but failed. He may try many more times
before he has any lasting success.
If you are being treated badly by him
he has not begun to recover as AA
would have directed him to do.
Part of their program is making amends
to those who are harmed by your behaviour.

You have to stop being involved in his
illness. This means you let him handle
his own problems and make no excuses
for him. You give up complaining about his
drinking and start taking care of yourself
and your son.
You change your focus to yourself and ignore
or detach yourself from him and his
bad behaviour.
There is no need to feel betrayed
as a sick man cannot make lasting
promises and alcohol is stronger
than love or any promises he makes
right now.
He is addicted to alcohol, this
means he cannot promise you anything.
His promises will fail because will
power is not affective in stopping
alcoholism.
He needs to go to either treatment,
alcohol counselling, AA meetings regularly
to break the denial and the compulsion
to drink.
When you felt he should keep his
promises and not drink you set yourself
up to be hurt and to feel disappointed.
He has no power to stop unless he goes
for help on a regular basis.
His aggreements or promises will
not mean anything and he will fail
everytime until he goes to AA.
It is only a matter of time before
he will have to decide what he wants.
You do not have to be involved in this
illness, you can get help for yourself.
See a alcohol counsellor or go to
AL-ANON meetings to heal your own
feelings.
If you need to leave to protect your
health than do that.
He has many years of healing to do
and yourself also being around this
situation.
His rights are few as an active alcoholic,
most courts would see it this way.
I am sure your son should stay with you
and just take things one day at a time as
AA says. Alcoholics do recover and
maybe someday he will try to ask
forgiveness for the harm he has done.
You may have to let go and try not to
involve yourself with troubled men
in the future. Chances are high after
being used to this kind of person
that you may attract alcoholics.
Heal yourself and teach your son
how to be a healthy man.