Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 3/20/2009

Question
This question is asking if my ex boyfriend has a mental disorder or has an alcohol/gampbling problem or both!

I lived with him for 8 months and thought he was the one. We are over now and it has been a heartbreaking and messy breakup. He broke up with me about 20 odd times fro memory always when drunk, and i always took him back, he would want to break up with me over any arguement and maybe this is due to him being abandoned as a baby by his dad? His step dad also beat his mum up and was an alcoholic so he had no good male role models in his life. But yet he ended up becoming just like his step dad, he couldn't go 3 days without one drink, usually on a week night drinking a bottle of wine easily by himself, he spent $1500 at the T.A.B once and was so bad with money i always had to help him out and i earn $8000 less than him a year. I lent him around $6000 to go to England for his sister's wedding out of my credit card which was very stupid i know, and he has had the nerve to actually demand post break up he will not pay me as much of the payments per fortnight that i asked which was completely affordable, and then he went and moved in with a girl which really hurt (they were not together) but still hurt after he was living with me, and was paying heaps in rent there, when we were together he would fly into drunken rages, and be very aggressive, pushing me around, i had bruises on my arms from him and once he slammed my hand in the door repeatedly whilst trying to shut me out of the house. He just said i was a drama queen and that he was sorry about my hand but that he stopped when i said my hand was in the door (which he didn't) he also told me if i slit my wrists no one would care (as i had a problem with self harm due to borderline illness) so i cut myself and he got the police and ambulance to take me away, alone in the hospital the psychologist told me i was borderline but that it was not me with the problem it was him and to leave him. When i returned home that night he was commaed out in bed and when he realised i was there he said "what the f*ck are you doing back here?" he has excuses for everything though. He doesn't think he gambles much but he gambles every week, and there was a stage where he gambled all his wages away every week on the pokies. I have tried so hard to tell him and show him what he is like but he could never take responsibility for anything saying i just made everything out to be his fault. I have never loved someone like i do him, and logically i know i deserve better and will get it, but i worry about him, i might be a little crazy but at least i know why i do the things i do, he has no idea, he thinks i'm just being mean when i say he's addicted to female attention and alcoholic and gambling addict and abuser, he thinks im just being dramatic. He had really bad anger problems when he was younger, and he pretty much raised his sisters which is why i think he craves female attn. Is there any hope for him to change? Not because i want to take him back but because i want him to be happy one day, even if it's not with me, with someone. I hold hope that people can change because i want to...what do you think is wrong with him? He keeps trying to get me back saying he wants to get engaged, but i know he would just break up with me in a matter of weeks again, and treat me like a dog, he has already kissed another girl and said it was to make himself feel better but it just made him miss me more. I know i am a door mat to him and i have stopped now all communication, but for my piece of mind can you help me out with some advice? Thank-you i really appreciate it.

Answer
Hello Anita,
I definitely agree with your psychologist that continuing in a relationship with this man would be not in your best interests, or his (being with this man just gives him the message that he can continue to drink without consequences). No one need be in an abusive relationship. So, I congratulate you on leaving that relationship. It is clear from the information that you supplied that this man is an alcoholic (a pattern of these behaviors: continued alcohol use in the face of adverse consequences, negative personality change, abusive behavior, inability to control anger, disruption of relationships, financial problems, etc., all due to alcohol use). It also would seem that he is a pathological gambler, though I don't have sufficient information for a definite diagnosis. It may be that he has underlying mental health issues, but the primary problem that needs to be addressed is his alcoholism. Until he stops drinking, he will not be able to address his mental health problems. It sounds as if you would still be open to reconciling with this man. I suggest to you that you make it clear one last time to him (and yourself) that you will not consider any relationship with him until he has treated his alcoholism and been abstinent for a significant period of time (say, for example, six months or longer, hopefully with 12 Step involvement (AA)). I would also include as a condition, that he be treated for his gambling problem as a condition of your considering reconciling with him, and be in therapy for his mental health issues.
Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
www.alcoholdrugsos.com