Expert: Druideck - 3/16/2009

Question
My husband and I have been married 15 months now. When we met the first couple of months he didnt drink. Then it was a couple of beers a night, no biggie....Now on top of the beers it's the harder stuff, rum/vodka. He changed his drinks as it was effecting his weight and lives by the scale on a daily basis now. He starts drinking the minutes he gets home from work and by 7:30-8:00 he is ready for bed. Last night he wanted to go to bed at 7 and i said no. He gets mad because I dont want to go to bed at 7 or 8....He's not a violent drinker, not even remotely close to it. He just stays in the bottle. On weekends we have to be home by noon so he can start drinking. He drinks alcohol like most drink water. He's in the military and I'm scared to death to even bring up his drinking because if you mention it he will get mad. He's made comments in the past that his drinking will not stop. Even when he is sick, running a fever or on medication he still drinks.What gives?..Ok, so my husband is an alcoholic, how do I approach it????

Answer
Jen,

it helps a bit to understand how
alcoholism works on a person.
He may never have intended or knew
he would be alcoholic when he started
drinking. It happens over time.

The second thing is alcoholism protects
itself by instilling a very strong
mental blinder called denial in the drinker.

He may have a hard time even seeing
or admitting any problem exists.

If you complain he will see you
as the problem and use this as
an excuse to drink.

He probably has reached the point where
he feels it is his right to drink
just like other people have this right.
So what is your problem? Does this
sound familiar?

He is literally blind to his
dependence on alcohol and
has got to the point where
it is becoming the most important
thing to him, hence his anger
when you threaten to take it away.

This is how powerful alcohol dependence
or addiction is. It is stronger
than the love you have for your
family.

Confronting him by yourself is hopeless
as he will only blame you for interfering
in his relaxing drinking hobby.

This is not an easy situation I know but
you need to back off from him and his
behaviour. This is called detachment.
The purpose is to prevent being the
excuse for him to drink.

This takes away a few things that are
contributing to the problem.

1. you don't complain so his guilt increases.

2. you live your own life as happily as possible.

3. you do not do anything that helps him drink,
this includes buying drinks, covering up
for him in any way.

4. don't drink with him or isolate yourself from others.

5. if he wants to fight about drinking, just leave
the room.

6. get some information from Al-Anon in your area.
The point is to make him experience all his own
feelings and face all his own responsibilities
about his own behaviours.

7. When he is in a good mood ask him
about his anger but don't mention drinking.
Why does he get angry when you try to
discuss your life together?
How can you work out problems if he doesn't
want to talk to you?

Sometimes the drinking just magnifies
other problems you need to address
in your relationship.

If you can begin to talk more openly then maybe
he will be more open to admit
to his drinking problem when the time is right.

You did not cause his drinking and you
can not fix his problems.

Most alcoholics have to hit an emotional
bottom before they will seek counselling
or enter a recovery program like AA.

What you can do is stop any behaviour
that helps him to drink or be
irresponsible for himself.

If you talk to an alcohol counsellor
they may at some time be able
to do an intevention.

This requires other concerned people
and lists of how his drinking makes you
feel. This may be an option but
requires much planning as he
will no doubt be much angered by it.

There is no easy overnight fix for
a lifetime problem.
He will at some point have to face this
reality and anger will not save him.

Take care.